FailedMessiah.com

'Twas The Night Before Nittel

"'Twas the night before Nittel, when all through the shul, not a bochur was learning, not even Reb Shmul…"

Video: Spiritual Flight Safety Video For Haredim Who Fly El Al

A special spiritual flight safety video from the Levinson Brothers and Tablet Magazine for haredim who fly El Al.

Video: Happy Holidays From Chabad

The rebbes of Chabad-Lubavitch wish you happy holidays in a new parody video.

Video: Billy Crystal And Jimmy Fallon In "Schmuck Dynasty

Billy Crystal and Jimmy Fallon parody the wildly popular A&E reality show Duck Dynasty.

Boteach Sex Book Number One Crown Heights Summer Read

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s book “Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy" was the most checked-out nonfiction title in the Crown Heights branch of the Brooklyn Public Library this summer. But what books made up the rest of the top te?

Video: Rabbi Burger

It's offensive. It's funny. It's not my fault. Watch it anyway.

Video: A Retired Pornographer And A Retired Rabbi Join Forces To Make 'Kosher' Porn

That's the premise of a new independent film, Your Good Friend. The film is a mockumentary and the trailer, posted below, is brilliantly funny.

NY State Finally Clarifies Law On Rabbis Reporting Child Sex Abuse

Haredi rabbis who teach in yeshivas can no longer falsely claim they are exempt from reporting child sex abuse to police or ACS. The state has clarified the law, and all teachers – even rabbis – guidance counselors, social workers, school nurses, administrators or any other staff member who is required to hold a teaching or administrative license or certificate – even if they do not have that license or certificate – is mandated to report suspected abuse and must do so directly to police or ACS. It is illegal to call a rabbi first to get permission to report. And that means Rabbi David Zwiebel and his Agudah cronies should prosecuted for interfering in this process and for endangering the welfare of children. But Brooklyn's DA Charles Hynes doesn't have the balls to do it.

Emergency Bidikat Hametz Appeal!

I was crawling on the floor in my room in mother's basement, beeswax candle, feather and brown paper bag in hand, chaffed by and constrained in the clothing necessary to properly do the important mitzvah of searching for hametz, when I suddenly discovered something so shocking and horrible that I am forced to turn to you, my loyal readers, for help…

Did Chabad Censor A Historic Picture Of Its Rebbe?

A rare 1936 ESTP school registration picture of the late Lubavitcher rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, was published yesterday. But did Chabad alter the picture? Was the yarmulke added in by Chabad? As you can see in the full size image posted below, it was.

Video: Anti-Haredi Street Theater

Secular Israelis dress as Christian priests and stand in front of Jewish-owned stores Sunday calling out, "Sunday! Sunday!," mocking haredi protesters who yell "Shabbos! Shabbos" at people who drive cars in Jerusalem on Saturdays.

Nittle Nacht Asifa In Borough Park Tonight

Hurry, don't be late!

Kol Isha Alert

'Bridesmaids' Kali Hawk & 'Vampire Diaries' Katerina Graham shout out Drake, Lenny Kravitz, Lauren London and Rashida Jones as they pay homage to Black & Jewish celebs in a new video.

Haredi 'Modesty'

A trip to Miami Beach brings back a story about haredi 'modesty.'

A Chabad Christmas

A poem for the season by our very own Yochanan Lavie.

Nittel Nacht Gathering In Boro Park

Nittel Nacht, a.k.a., xmas eve, is a time many Jews abstain from studying Torah. Haredim are gathering in Boro Park tonight to honor that tradition.

The Slifkin Debate

Is the earth flat? Is the sky a solid dome? Is it healthy to eat rotten fish? Is the haredi approach to science correct? An animation.

A Yeshiva Guy Says Over A Torah Thought

Did the Patriarchs keep the entire Torah? An animation.

Up In Smoke: Imagining The Day They Come To Take Your Judaism Away

Suddenly there came a furious knocking at my front door. Outside stood an ultra-Orthodox rabbi, with a big black hat, a long black beard, and a red canister of gasoline in his hand. Two young yeshiva students were at his side, one holding a clipboard, the other holding a baseball bat. I opened the door.…

Reducto Ad Hitlerum

That's what happens when Fox News' Glenn Beck talks Hitler.

A Haredi Dayenu For Our Times

If haredim had only supported the convicted head of Agriprocessors, but did not also operate an underground organ trafficking operation, dayenu! It would have been enough!

Artscroll – The Laws Of Incarceration

Do you have to keep halav yisrael in prison? How do the halakhot of yihud apply in a prison context?

Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

Members of the earth's earliest known civilization looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God created Heaven and Earth.

Flying Kabbalist Rabbis On The Colbert Report

Rabbi David Batzri and his colleagues get a wag of the finger from Stephen Colbert.

Celebrity Watch: Britney Spears Converting To Judaism

Pop star seen sporting Star of David necklace. Boyfriend is Jewish, engagement rumored.

A Golem In Williamsburg

Hasidim make a golem in an attempt to drive hipsters out of Williamsburg.

Film Coverage Of Agudah

Steven Spielberg should have produced this.

Bust A Cap In Ahmadinejad's Ass

The proper response to Iran.

The Next Big Brooklyn Billboard?

Dreams can come true, if you wish hard enough…

Czech Airport Worst in World

VIDEO: Horrific delays, incredible coldness. Airport named after assimilated Jew, grandson of shochet.

They're Red Hot

Agriprocessors' trustee Joseph Sarachek, this song's for you:

Top 13 Yochanan Lavie Parodies

Picked by the master himself…

Rubashkin Ad Campaign Continues!?!

Check it out:

Rabbis Ban Marriage, report claims

What will these crazed men do next?

Read it all, in the extended post below:

Israel's Conversion Crisis, Explained

[Hat Tip: MJ.]

Shavuot

The Revelation at Sinai – fact or fiction? Discuss …

Proof Of My Longstanding 'Antisemitism'

Drawing ©1989, 2007 Scott Rosenberg. Please click to enlarge. The caption reads:

Washington, D.C., 1992 "…and this is my brother, Mendel – he's in charge of our Department of Defense. This is his brother-in-law, Mendel, our Chief of Staff; this one over here is [his] brother-in-law's nephew (my wife's third cousin, four times removed on her father's side), Mendel – he's our Ambassador to the Soviet Union, and this one … MENDEL!!! I've told you a thousand times, DON'T CALL NEW YORK ON THE RED PHONE!!! It's for EMERGENCIES!!! … he's my youngest son …"

In 1989 I wondered what would happen if the fundamentalist Jewish right – AKA, Chabad and the haredim – ever got enough political power to elect one of their own as president. One thing was sure, I thought – nepotism will rule. So I drew the above cartoon as part of a series intended for a Jewish newspaper. It was never published because the editor did not know enough about the haredi world (or Chabad naming practices) to get the joke. And, of course, there was the little matter of offending his friend the Chabad shaliach.

Okay, let the name calling begin …

Newly-found artifacts may lead to a "Complete Reassessment of both Judaism and Christianity," scholars claim

Startling Discoveries In Tomb Linked To Family Of Christ
Newly-found artifacts may lead to a "Complete Reassessment of both Judaism and Christianity," scholars claim

Archaeologists working in the tomb in Jerusalem linked by some to the family of Jesus Christ have made what they term "startling discoveries." As the archaeological team went through the tomb, documenting it's current condition and contents before resealing the entrance, noticed a small bulge in a rear wall. When examining it, stones, believe to have remained in place for almost 2000 years, came loose, revealing a small antechamber originally accessible, the archaeologists believe, by a narrow corridor several meters forward that is now choked with debris. The archaeologists mistook that corridor for an imperfection, similar to the imperfection in the tomb's south wall that was discovered and excavated ten years ago.

When the archaeologists entered the antechamber, a small cube-like room measuring four meters by four and one half meters by four meters, the were startled to find mummified remains of artifacts from the late Second Temple era. Amos Kilstein, the archaeologist leading the dig, said his hands trembled and "tears welled up in my eyes and flowed like streams down my face," when he realized what he had found.

Contents of the antechamber, include several mummified fur felt Fedora-style hats, the remnants of two yellow flags, almost completely crumbled with age, containing messianic inscriptions in ancient Hebrew script, and a scroll containing Gnostic teachings that begins "It has been taught …"

Kilstein believes this small chamber served as "a type of prayer or meditation room" for pilgrims who came to visit the graves of their leader and his family. "It is like the ultra-Orthodox do with the grave of Rabbi Bar Yohai in Meron, but on a much smaller scale," Kilstein said.

"The scroll, and the flags, which appear to tout the tomb's most important occupant as the messiah, will necessarily lead to a complete reassessment of Christianity and Judaism, its parent religion," said Hillary Bathcome, a professor of Ancient and Near Eastern History and an expert on religion formation at Tufts-Weslyann-United Theological Seminary in Maine who was present as the antechamber was excavated. "Perhaps he was a Pharisee, after all."

36 (Haredi) Virgins

After reading Steve Martin's 72 Virgins, I wondered what it might be like if haredim had their own suicide bomber theology. It might be something like this:

36 (Haredi) Virgins

    1.    Could you please slow down? I'm not through davening ma'ariv yet.
    2.    I'm still very shomer negiah.
    3.    My rebbetzin said not to.
    4.    Look, you've waited this long. What's another day?
    5.    Can Rifkie watch?
    6.    You call that oneg? Sheindie has more oneg in her middle finger than you have in …in … what do call that thing?
    7.    I'll be right there. I just have to finish shaving my head.
    8.    I don't think the Rebbe took his clothes off.
    9.    Hey! What's that yukkie stuff on my leg!
    10.     I am NOT going to touch it! It's bad enough I have to watch you touch it!
    11.    Okay. I'm on my back. Now what?
    12.    I was told not to move.
    13.    I don't understand why the goyyim like this so much.
    14.    Does God know what you're doing? DOES THE REBBE!?!
    15.    No! Was I supposed to use the mikvah?
    16.    So, Sheindy, she goes, like, um and then Rifkie, she said …
    17.    No. I lost it climbing trees.
    18.    If you're such a big lamden, such a big tzaddikel, you figure out where it goes!
  19.    And then my parents brought me to the rav, and he looked, and he paskined – I was only three – it was supposed to grow back!
    20.    Ooooo, I'm soooo close! Just move the kugel a little bit to the left – OH! RIGHT THERE! OH, YES, OH, YES, OOOOHHHH YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!
    21.    So, in sifrei kabbalah it says … Reuven? Reuven! Are you snoring?
  22.    So you blew yourself up for Hashem and you think that means that I, Sheindie, have to do what?!?!
    23.    If you can't find a makor, this is over. No makor, no kissie. Got that?
    24.    What do you mean it's in? You call that "in"? Is that what they taught you in yeshiva, Mr. Big Shot?
    25.    You call this a manual? And, no, I do not care what the Ra'avad said!
    26.    At some point, isn't this supposed to feel good?
    27.    Okay, I admit it. But he wore condoms, so it's not really the same, now is it?
    28.    I thought it didn't count if he wasn't Jewish?
    29.    And now Morah Sheindy is going to put a soft, new nappie on your little hard tzaddikel …
    30.    My brother was bigger.
    31.    My rebbetzin said I can't look.
    32.    My rebbetzin said I can't touch.
    33.    Only Torah and glatt kosher mehadrin min hamehadrin food will ever pass these lips. Got that, tzaddik?
    34.    Gee, that was really nice. Yup, it sure was. Can I go back to sleep now?
    35.    Now I understand the advantage of that immaculate conception thing.
    36.    You touch one hair on this sheitel and we're through! Do you hear me?
©2007 Shmarya Rosenberg, Failed Messiah.com (after Steve Martin).

A Meeting of the Minds

Courtesy of Mazeartist.

[WARNING! Explicit Content!] Borat Makes Teshuva

Borat Makes Teshuva
By Shmarya Rosenberg
Special to the Jewish Chronicle

London – Kazakh news presenter Borat Sagdiyev, under fire from Jewish groups including the US-based Anti-Defamation League (ADL) for his outspoken antisemitism, racism and misogyny, has Jewish roots, the Chronicle has learned. Borat’s maternal grandmother, variously identified as Svetalna or Svet (“because she dripped much,” Borat has said) is the daughter of a scion of an illustrious rabbinic family exiled to Kazakhstan during the reign of Josef Stalin, the brutal Soviet dictator Borat admires and has referred to as “strong, powerful with big khram,” or testicles.

When confronted by the Chronicle in early July with evidence of Jewish descent, Borat at first denied any connection with Jews. Indeed, over tea at the Chronicle offices, Borat impulsively snatched a small paper Israeli flag off a reporter’s birthday cake and lit it on fire while singing the Kazakh national anthem with great fervor.

But, as time wore on Borat warmed to the idea and accompanied this reporter on a low-key trip to Israel. Impressed with what he saw, Borat has decided to live an openly Jewish life. On our return to London, Borat was interviewed by the Chronicle’s senior correspondent, Jenny Frazier.

JF: First of all, I’d like to welcome you to the Jewish people. We’re pleased to have you with us.

Borat: You welcome very nice, but in my country relative get hug and squeeze melons. Maybe you lean forward?

JF: I don’t think so. Judaism has a concept of modesty. Many men and women never touch until they marry.

Borat: Yes. I hear this. Very hard.

JF: Yes it is.

Borat: You have one, too? [Staring intently at Frazier’s chest] They look real!

JF: So what is it that attracted you to Judaism?

Borat: Haredim.

JF: How’s that?

Borat: They are very much like Kazakhs. Family important. It everything. And, they don’t work, just like us. And they treat their women as cows. Oh, and they steal from government just like us.

JF: Surely you found other less repressive things to like about Israel?

Borat: Sure. Borat like big weapons. Many soldiers. Certain little children. And one sheep.

JF: If I’m understanding you correctly, it is the power of Israel that attracts you, the machismo, so to speak?

Borat: Yup. It’s a country with big – what is word? – ah, yes, Borat remember, beitzim. We call them khram. I show you. [He begins to stand up.]

JF: I don’t think so.

Borat: Very big.

JF: I’m sure.

Borat: [He sits down] For country with such khram, you have leader who is khram-less…

JF: Well, the situation is quite complex …

Borat: … except for his nose. He have one khram, from which he breathe, unless he have cold and it stuffed. President on other hand have many powerful khram. He is Stalin of Israel, like iron god. Many in my village now worship him.

JF: So, did you see Tel Aviv, the first modern Jewish city? How did you like that?

Borat: Much. Many beautiful women of which I licked.

JF: You liked them?

Borat: I lick them. Like this. [Borat grabs Frazier’s arm and licks it, starting at the wrist and ending at the outer biceps, just below the shoulder.] It is Kazakh greeting … you taste like apple.

JF: Thank you.

Borat: Israeli girl taste like grandmother – sweat. They drip much due to heat.

JF: So you liked Israeli women?

Borat: Yes. Good taste and not much money to buy. I had sexy wet time often.

JF: Do you plan on returning there?

Borat: Yes. I make TV show for Kazakhstan. Show how Jews really are.  Salty women. Good taste. I also go back to study Holy books.

JF: So you have plans?

Borat: I go to Aish HaTorah for mind control.

JF: Then what?

Borat: I marry haredi girl. They promise me 12 year old. I ask for 8, but they say I can’t touch her until she 12. Not even licking. Then I get on kollel roster. My wife have many babies. I use kollel money for prostitute, because wife grow fat from babies. But after prostitute I go to mikva.

JF: Why? To clean yourself from sin?

Borat: No. To rub with little boys, just like rabbi from New York. Life is good.

Chabad Song Parody

Sent in by FriarYid:

[To the tune of Under the Sea, from Disney's Little Mermaid]

…Up in Crown Heights,
Up in Crown Heights,
Nothing’s as nice,
As Jews with some spice,
And really nice tights!
Yes, while Bobov’s full of despair,
Chabad prays to an empty chair,
If they had a leader,
He’d stand tall as a cedar,
And they’d reunite!
All the wives’ schmattes,
Bring their husbands such naches,
Up in Crown Heights
Things work with such ease,
When the rebbe’s deceased,
Don’t confuse them with Skver,
Or they’ll cut off your hair,
Yeah I’m telling you,
It don’t pay to screw,
With those guys in Crown Heights!

One Frum Double Entendre Deserves Others

From DailyHalacha.com:

The Gemara in Masechet Keritut establishes that "Simana Milta," meaning, the things we do as a promising "Siman" ("sign" or "omen") on Rosh Hashanah are significant and have an impact upon the coming year.

Therefore, one should not treat lightly the custom to partake of certain foods on the night of Rosh Hashanah as a good Siman, such as gourd, apples, pomegranates, and so on. If a person does not enjoy one of these foods, it suffices for him to simply point to the food and recite the "Yehi Ratzon" prayer. It should also be noted that one may come up with his own ideas for foods as Simanim. For example, it is told that somebody would eat on Rosh Hashanah a combination of lettuce, raisins and celery, and declare, "Let us have a raise-in-salary."…

In the spirit of the moment, and with a large dose of early Purimkeit added, here are simanim suggestions for certain Orthodox rabbinic types. You'll have to figure out what they mean on your own:

• Heaps of lettuce surrounded by pictures of Benjamin Franklin and President Grant.

• Several of these cards taken from Monopoly games and placed on a silver platter with attorney Nathan Lewin's home telephone number.

• A Barney doll with a large hunting knife inserted through it's chest, surrounded by pictures of gedolim and ID bracelets.

• Heaps of Baby Kosher Dill Pickles. Remember, as long as the pickles are sucked, licked or otherwise fondled, the siman will work. But whatever you do, remember – do not swallow!

The Lebanon War's Best Parody

This is circulating (unattributed) via email. I don't know who did this, but it's very funny!

[Hat tip: Mendel Mosesson.]

TORAH CODES REVEAL IDENTITY OF ANONYMOUS BLOGGER – UnOrthodox Jew "Is Gil Student"

Star Wars

A Star Wars organic food parody on YouTube. Check it out.

[Hat tip: C Girl.]

Raveinu Melech HaMoshiach!

Move over Chabad – looks like someone over at YU is mounting a challenge to the Rebbe's "reign."

[Hat tip: Chakira.]

Technorati Tags: Chabad, jewish, modern orthodoxy

How Many?

Tzemach Atlas wants to know how many of these I've sold. I don't know exactly. There have not been many orders, but some have been quite large. Curiously, all of the big ones were shipped to a Mr. Judah Krinsky residing at 784 Eastern Parkway.

The Two-Minute Haggadah – A Passover Service For The Impatient

Michael Rubiner: The Two-Minute Haggadah – a Passover service for the impatient.

Passover Hip Hop Video

Passover Hip Hop video.

Cleaning for Passover, part 2.