An anonymous haredi jokes:
You have reached 911. If this is an emergency please press 1 and stay on the line until a Rabbi will help you. Press 2 for the Agudah, Press 3 if you're calling to report an abuse case. Press 4 if you would first like to speak to a 911 English speaking Rabbi.
Thank you for pressing 4. If you're an idiot stay on the line until a 911 Rabbi picks up the phone to hear your case.
Due to massive volume your call is now being transferred to Kol Tzedek. To learn a little more about kol tzedek please press 1. To hear a mussur shmooze from D.A Hynes please press 2.
Hi. You have reached Charles Hynes. We are on your side and would like to help you. If you have reached out to the Rabbi already please stay on the line until one of my incompetent people pick up the phone.
Thank you for pressing 6. At the tone please say clearly the name of your abuser.
We are sorry but that name has come up too many times in our system. Please clearly state the name of a different abuser.
Please stay on the line, our 911 operators are busy with other people reporting crimes. Our waiting time for a 911 Rabbi is currently 34 years. We thank you for your patience.