Picked by the master himself…
Top 13 Yochanan Lavie Parodies (in no particular order)
1. “The Rubashkin Hillbillies" (Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Now listen to the story 'bout a man named Moishe The poor kollel bochur Barely kept his family kosher And then one day While he's davenin' & schucklin' In a shackle and a hoist Comes a cow from Rubashkin
(Spoken: Postville that is Or South America Throat hooks and chains.)
Now, the next thing you know, Old Moish is eating trief The K- A- J said the kashruth isn't safe They said "k'halacha is the way it's gotta be! And the way Rubashkin does it Is suffak nevai-lee
(Spoken: Nevailah that is. Improperly slaughtered.
Announcer: It's the Rubashkin Hillbillies.
Fadeout: Banjo and klezmer music.
(Disclaimer: This is a humorous satire.)
2. Rebbe in the Sky (apologies to the REAL Norman Greenbaum)
When I'm indicted and they send me to jail Gonna go to the place to get bail When they lay me in my cell to sigh Goin to pray to the Rebbe in the sky
CHORUS: Goin to pray to the Rebbe in the sky (Rebbe in the sky) That's who I'm gonna call on when I lie (When I lie) When I lie and they send me to the clink Let's hope they don't feed me Rubbishcan stink
Prepare your brief, you know it's a bust Maybe I'll go sell Cheesus So you know, it's Cholov Yisrael It's gonna give me zchut, to the Rebbe, when jail (Rebbe in the sky)
Goin on up to the Rebbe in the sky In Cambria, Queens, he didn't die (Didn't die) When I'm tried and they send me to Leavenworth I'd rather go to the place that's 770
Never been a sinner, I've never sinned I've got an illegal named Jesus [pronounced Hay-zeus] So when I die, and my throat has a meat hook I'm gonna tell the Rebbe that "I'm not a crook!"
REPEAT CHORUS (x2)
3. "Little Black Jew," with apologies to William Blake
My Imma bore me in the Ethiopian wild, And I am black, but O! my neshome is white. White as an angel is the Ashkenazi child: But I am black as if bereav'd of light.
The kess taught me underneath a tree And sitting down before the heat of day. He took me into his heart and kissed me, And pointing to the east began to say.
Look on the rising sun: there God does live in Jerusalem, which Olmert wants to give away. And Ashkenazim and Sephardim and Teimanim and men daven Scharit in morning mincha in the noon day.
And we are put on earth a little space.. That we may learn to bear the "ol malchut shamayim." And these black bodies and this sun-burnt face Is but a vessel, and like a stream of "mayim."
For when our souls have learn'd the mitzvot to bear The "kli" will vanish we shall hear his voice. Saying: come out from the "kli" my love & care. And round my golden mishkan like lambs rejoice.
Thus did the kess say and kissed me. And thus I say to little Ashkenazi boy. When I from black and he from white kli free, And round the ohel of Yahweh like lambs we joy:
Ill shade him from the heat till he can bear, To lean in joy upon Avenu B'Shamayim's knee. And then I'll stand and stroke his silver hair, And be like him and he will then love me.
4. "Jeer at them" with apologies to William Blake
And did the Rebbe's feet in recent time Walk upon Iowa's fields of green? And were the illegal Mexicanos On Iowa's pleasant pastures screened?
And did the ICE helicoptors Hover over our well-paid shills? And was Crown Heights builded here Among these dark Satanic mills?
Bring me my public relations flack! Bring me my homeless men of Texas! Bring me my army of wetbacks! Lie to my critics that afflict us!
I will not cease from PR fights, I will stick it to the goyishe "Man" Till we have built Crown Heights In Iowa's green and pleasant land.
5. It's Still Kosher Music to Me (apologies to Billy Joel, a Yid):
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing? "Can't you tell that your hat's not black?" Maybe I should buy some old white shirts? "Well, the rabbi is a musical hack. Where have you been hidin' out lately, boychick? You can't dress yeshivish if you live in a cellblock." Everybody's talkin' 'bout the old sound Funny, but it's still "kosher music" to me
[Lipa:] What's the matter with the song I'm singing? "Can't you tell that it's too in style?" Should I get a set of boy eunuch singers? "Are you gonna cruise, and go on trial? Nowadays you can't be too much a moser If a rabbi does it, it has to be kosher." Old dreck, corny dreck, even if it's old junk It's still "kosher music" to me
Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in Failed Messiah 'Cause it's always been the same old scene. There's a new band in town But you can't get the sound 'cause the rabbi is very mean He likes his music "clean"
How about a song by Shlomo Carlebach And a CD by Matisyahu? "You could really be an api-chorus baby If you let the Beit Din catch you. Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers, Those boys' choirs are a just a bunch of squeakers." Mizrachi, Teimani, Israeli, non-Ashkenazi It's still treif music to thee
What's the matter with the shul I'm praying? "Don't you know that they're chazan's too jazzy?" Should I try to find a Litvish minyan? "If you do, then you daven too snazzy. Don't you know about the halacha, honey? You get away with murder if you give a lot of money."
It's the devekus, clam-bake-us, don't shake us, please awake us, It's still "kosher music" to me
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound Funny, but it's still treif music to thee.
6. Loosing My Appetite (with apologies to REM)
The law is bigger It's bigger than you And you are not frum The lengths that you will go to The expiration date on your "dogs" Oh no Shmarya said too much We are fed up
That's me in the coroner [after eating Rubbishcan] That's rubbishcan in the spotlight Abusing my religion Trying to keep kosher with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much The OU hasn't said enough I thought that I heard you cheating I thought that I heard ICE sting I think I thought I heard you schrei ["gevalt!"]
Every Shiksa And every Gentile employee Making no confessions Trying to keep their jobs Like some hurt lost and blinded fools Oh no they've said too much They've been set up
Consider this The kosher crime of the century Consider this The throat hook that brought the cow To its knees failed What if all these nevailot Come flailing around Now I've parodied too much I thought that I heard you davening I thought that I smelled meat stink I think I'll call the FBI
But that was just a nevuoah Justice is just a dream
7. "Slumming in America" apologies to Neil Diamond, the Jewish Elvis.
Czar We've escaped from the Czar We have set up an abattoir With a rabbincial shtar
Free We want labor to be free We huddle the homeless A fair paycheck is their dream
Off the boat and on the Plains [of Iowa] We're slumming in America Never looking at Federal regs We're scamming in America
Brooklyn, it don't seem so far away Oh, we're rebuilding it today In the town of Postville Where we act the most vile
Illegals, to a new and a dangerous job They've "made their beds," those dirty slobs Freedom's light dimming out When ICE chases them out
From everywhere around the oilam They're imported to America The "treife medina" is just a golem 'Cause there's no king in "Amaleka"
Got a dream to take market share We're monopolizing America That senorita's got a nice pair I am "coming" in America
Illegals coming to America Child labor in America Animal cruelty in America Price fixing in America Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey
My profits 'tis of thee Today Sweet land of larceny Today In thee I scam Today In thee I scam Today
8. Carry on My Wayward Bochur (with apologies to Kansas)
{Refrain) Carry on my wayward bochur There'll be peace when they jail the macher Lay your weary keppie to rest Don't you schrei gevalt.
Once I was a victim of molestation Kolko said it was better than masturbation His hand was going ever lower But it went to too low
Through my tears I could not see the madman Though my rebbe said he was a talmid chachum I hear the voices when I'm davening I can hear them say
{Refrain)
Masquerading like a big Purim schpiel This charade of justice is just a deal And if I claim to have Daas Torah, well It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of Shmirat ha Lashon Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean I try to bring the creep to justice But I hear the voices say
{Refrain
Carry on, you will always remember Carry on, nothing equals the squalor Though we don't like Kolko's plea deal But surely Gan Eden waits for you
Carry on my wayward bochur There'll be peace when they jail the macher Lay your weary keppie to rest Don't you schrei gevalt.
9. Paulan Girls (with apologies to the Beach Boys);
Well Mexican girls are hip I really dig those sombreros they wear And the Guatalamalan girls with the way they schect They knock cows out when they work here
The underage illegals really make rabbis feel alright And the Somali girls with the way they kiss They keep the managers warm at night
I wish they all could be Paulan I wish they all could be Paulan I wish they all could be Paulan girls
The Paulans have US passports And the girls know how to kill I dig a thick fur parker on Micronesian Dolls by a snow drift in Postville
I been all around this great big world And I've exploited all kinds of girls Yeah, but I couldn't wait to get them back in the states Back to the treifest shop in the world
I wish they all could be Paulan I wish they all could be Paulan I wish they all could be Paulan girls...
10. Hey Juda! (With apologies to the Beatles):
Hey, Juda, don't take it bad Take a sad excuse and make it bitter Remember to change your IP address Don't ever confess- to fake it better
Hey, Juda, don't be afraid To blame an "intern" who works in summer The minute you associate with Rubbishcan Then you began to make it dumber.
And when Shmarya makes you feel the pain, hey, Juda, refrain Don't carry the blame upon your kishkes Well don't you know that it's a simpleton who plays Bart Simpson By blaming his faults upon a shiska
Hey, Juda! Don't let the client down You have found 5W, now go and get paid Remember, not to let it into your conscience Then you can start to fake it stupidly.
So let it out and let it in, hey, Juda, begin You're waiting for some crook to break laws with And don't you know on the Lower East Side, hey, Juda, be snide, the bialy you need is on between your shoulders Hey, Juda, don't take it bad Make a sob story and make it better Remember to spell the rabbi's name right Then you can fight, to make the world worser.
Oy, oy, etc. Hey Juda! (fade out).
10. Rubbishcan Rock (apologies Elvis):
The warden threw a party in the Postville jail. The prison band was there and the rabbis began to wail. The band was playing "evil music" after the Feds sting. You shouldv'e heard those Rubbishcan jailbirds sing. Let's hock, every tchinek, let's hock. Everybody in the whole cell block Was dancin' that Rubbishcan stopped.
Child abusers in prison never have sex alone, A Little Jew was blowin' on the slide shofar bone. The yeshiva boy from Crown Heights went crash, boom, bang, The whole rhythm section was the Getzel gang. Let's tantz, everybody, let's tantz. Everybody in the whole Failed Messiah Was dancin' to the Rubbishcan fire sale.
Number 770 said to number three: You're the cutest jailbitch I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your chevrusa, Come on and do the jailhouse Rubbishcan rooster. Let's mock, everybody, let's mock. Everybody in the whole cell block Was dancin' that Rubbishcan get "chopped."
The illegal was a sittin' on a block of stone In "dorm room" with no paycheck weepin' all alone. Nevel said, "Hoy, amigo, this is not New Square. If you can't find a matress use a wooden chair." Lets rock, everybody, lets rock. Everybody in the whole cell block Was dancin to the jailed Rubbish rock.
Shifty Shochet said to Bugsy [Siegel], for Rebbe's sake, No ones lookin', now's our chance to make a break. Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, nu, nu, I wanna stick around a while and disgrace the Jews. Let's schecht, everybody, let's schecht. Everybody in the whole Rubbish wreck Was tryin' to do the jailhouse schecht.
11. Dust in the Silo (with apologies to Kansas)
I close my eyes, only for the OSHA, and the inspector's gone All my grain, pass before my eyes, in religiousity
Dust in the silo, all they are is dust in the silo.
Same old shtick, just a drop of water and it will chometz be, All our matzah, crumbles to the ground, though we can store it free
Dust in the wind, all the condo will be dust in the wind
[Nu] Don't hock a tchinek, nothing lasts forever if it's on the sly It explodes away, and all Brach's money will another kavod buy.
Dust in the silo, the condo will be dust in the wind When it blows up, W'burg hipsters will be dust in the wind.
12. The Cambria Heights Tales (Prologue):
Apologies; Geoffrey Chaucer
Whan that Nisan with his shoures soote The droghte of Adar hath perced to the roote, And bathed every grain in swich licour Of which Chometz engendred is the flour; Whan the baker eek with his sweete breeth Inspired hath in every shmurah bakery, Tendre matzah, at the 18 minutes Hath blood of the ram on the doorposts yronne, And smale kinderlach maken melodye, That slepen al the nyght with open ye (so priketh hem the Hagaddah in hir corages); Thanne longen Jews to goon on pilgrimages, And yidden for to seken straunge strondes, To ferne keverim, kowthe in sondry londes; And specially from every shires ende Of Breukelen to Cambria Heights they wende, The hooly blisful Rebbe for to seke, That hem hath holpen whan that they were seeke.
13. The Agri-vation.