By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.Shpoof.com/ The latest outburst from an ultra-Orthodox rabbinical figure has reportedly spurred Divine wrath. Sources close to the Divine Throne have told Shpoof.com that God is "fed up" with the gedolim.
"The Chief is greatly pained," said an angel who asked not to be identified as he pretended to sip a Starbucks decaf latté yesterday in Minneapolis. "I gotta' tell you," the angel said, sniffing conspicuously, "I really love the smell of this latté. It's kind of like some incense we used to smell a lot in the old days. But you guys screwed that up, too. Know what I mean?"
The reference, to the destruction of the first and second Jewish Temples in Jerusalem, underscored the tense atmosphere surrounding this issue.
"You know," said the angel, at first it was kind of funny. Ban this, ban that. Heretic this, heretic that. The world is 5765 years old, the Flood changed the earth's atmosphere, dinosaurs and Bambi lived side-by-side in the same world – woowie! What a howl! It's funnier than those evangelicals on Sunday morning t.v.! I'm tellin' ya, you couldn't find a seat within binocular range of the big screen. Lots of us had to watch digital feeds in our rooms. Much funnier than Saturday Night Live. But God, He doesn't think it's so funny, those guys goin' off half-cocked and destroyin' a perfectly good religion. He's also not a big fan of those hats, although the turbans are kinda' cool."
For their part, ultra-Orthodox spokesmen were quick to deny the validity of the apparition.
"Now, that menuval wants us to believe that God sent an angel to him to criticize us?!?" said a gadol who refused to be identified for fear that his response would not be crass enough to suit his colleagues. "You are a midget – a fat midget, mind you, but a midget nonetheless – and I – I mean we – are giants!"
Another gadol, who also refused to speak for attribution due to many of the same concerns expressed by the first gadol, was more pointed in his response.
"There is a place for you reserved in hell next to the great evil-doers of our people – Jesus, Shabbetai Zvi and Rabbi Dr. Moses D. Tendler!"
Shpoof.com was unable to reach noted ultra-Orthodox apologist and humor-phobe Wendy Shalit for comment.