By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com
November 5, 2004 – In a move meant to combat the frightening aftereffects of the Presidential Election, billionaire financier George Soros has launched a new foundation to provide despondent actors, academics, musicians, network anchors and the entire nation of France with the grief counseling Mr. Soros believes is urgently necessary to “stave off disaster.”
“They need intervention immediately,” Mr. Soros said. “Many are now under 24 hour suicide watch. Others are simply despondent and cannot function. I must help my allies in their time of need.”
Shpoof.com has learned that CBS News chief anchor Dan Rather, radio host/comedian/author Al Franken, actress Cameron Diaz and the country music vocalist group the Dixie Chicks were among those under guard.
A source close to Mr. Rather would only say that the situation was “grave.”
“He’s locked up in a room with nothing but a mattress, copies of the New York Times and back issues of Country Life Magazine. He shaves under guard and is only allowed clip-on ties. It’s really bad,” the source said.
Vocalists Barbra Streisand and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs are also considered to be at risk, although their condition is not considered by Mr. Soros or his staff to be grave.
Meanwhile, French news reports have characterized French leader Jacques Chirac as being “in a fog.”
“His head only cleared while visiting with his dear friend Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat,” an aide was quoted as saying. “Although Mr. Arafat is very ill, he was still able to raise Mr. Chirac’s spirits. For this and for all that Mr. Arafat has done for the nation of France, including the murder of non-French men, women and children committed outside of French soil, the French people are eternally grateful.”
When asked why he was not among those needing intervention, Mr. Soros was introspective.
“I am perfect. Of this I am sure,” a thoughtful Mr. Soros said. “I have confirmed it. How can I destroy perfection?”
©2004 Shmarya Rosenberg
[Shloimy Balagoola contributed to this report.]
