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God Reported "Upset" At Gedolim – Latest Outrage Thought To Spur Divine Wrath

Rabbi Elyashiv Authorizes Metzitzah B'Straw – Seen As A Slap In The Face To The RCA – 7-11 Stock Up .08%

By Shmarya Rosenberg, several dwarfs, midgets and assorted other little people, two fairies and a leprechaun.

http://www.Shpoof.com/ In a revolutionary move, several Ultra-Orthodox scholars have endorsed metzitzah (the sucking of blood during a circumcision normally done with direct oral-to-genital contact) using a 7-11 Big Gulp straw.

Mohels (ritual circumcisers) were quick to note the benefits of the new procedure.

"This is great," said Rabbi Yitzi Fishey, a well-known New York city area mohel. "I can have a Pepsi on the way to work, use the straw for the bris, spit the blood into the empty cup, toss in the dirty gauze and the crumpled straw, snap on the lid and – viola! – no mess! How can you beat that?"

Many in the less fervently Orthodox community see this as a political reaction to the Rabbinical Council of America's (the body representing mainstream Orthodox rabbis and college professors) endorsement yesterday of metzitzah performed through a sterile glass tube readily available from medical supply stores throughout the country.

Indeed, Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv – the Israel-based sage widely considered to be the leader of Ultra-Orthodoxy worldwide – was quoted in large signs posted in Jerusalem as decreeing that, "The innovators, may their names be blotted out,  sought to destroy our Holy Torah with a sterile glass tube. We are hereby redeeming our captive Torah with a Big Gulp straw." The notices also carried a warning from Rabbi Elyashiv to circumcisers mandating that "only straws that come from drinks with proper Ultra-Orthodox kosher supervision" should be used for the metzitzah procedure.

Several kosher certifiers in the United States were reported to be in negotiations with 7-11 to display their symbols, both on the drinks themselves and on the straw's packaging.

7-11 stock was up today by .08%

Slifkin Ban Spurs Innovation!

Specter Backs Ban On Partial-Birth Circumcision – Will Make Issue Litmus Test For Judges

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com
November 7, 2004 – In a controversial statement, United States Senator Arlen Specter (Dem. Rep. Dem. Rep./PA) has announced that he will make a ban on partial-birth circumcisions a “litmus test” for all new federal judges. Mr. Specter is the ranking majority member of the senate judiciary committee and is in line to become its chairman when the 109th Congress convenes in January.

Rather, Dixie Chicks, Entire Nation Of France Placed Under 24 Hour Suicide Watch, Soros to Intervene – Situation "Grave," Soros Says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com
November 5, 2004 – In a move meant to combat the frightening aftereffects of the Presidential Election, billionaire financier George Soros has launched a new foundation to provide despondent actors, academics, musicians, network anchors and the entire nation of France with the grief counseling Mr. Soros believes is urgently necessary to “stave off disaster.”

Michael Moore: Election Not Over – “The barbarians will be stopped at the gate!” Filmmaker Says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

November 3, 2004 – Less than two hours after Democrat John Forbes Kerry delivered a speech conceding the presidential election to Republican George W. Bush, filmmaker Michael Moore – speaking to a worshipful audience made up of some (but not all) of the Dixie Chicks, a Gestalt therapist and members of the San Francisco, Berkeley and Paris, France city councils – insisted that the election was not over and, in fact, had not yet taken place.

Networks: Kerry Carries France, Belgium, Beverly Hills – Luxembourg, Monaco Too Close To Call

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

November 3, 2004 – In a hotly disputed election that threatens to throw the country into turmoil while heightening the divisiveness that has characterized American politics in the new millennium, Democrat John Forbes Kerry has won decisive victories in much of Europe, handily winning France and Belgium while maintaining seemingly insurmountable leads in Luxembourg and Monaco.

Kerry Declares Victory – Heads For Disney World

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Monday, November 1, 2004
Boston, MA – More than 36 hours before polls close in California, John Forbes Kerry has declared victory and boarded a private jet for what aides called “a well earned vacation.”

Edwards Suffers Hairdressing Accident – May Impact Final Hours Of Campaign

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Monday, November 1, 2004
Raleigh, NC– John Edwards, the Democrat Vice Presidential candidate, has suffered a hairdressing accident that may impact on the final hours of the campaign.

Yasser Arafat At French Military Hospital: PLO Leader "Overwhelmed By French Food, Hospitality, Cowardice," Spokesmen Say

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Paris– France stepped up security at a military hospital outside Paris where Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has been taken for treatment. Mr. Arafat has been ill for more than one month and blood tests taken several days ago have revealed a low platelet count, a condition sometimes linked with Leukemia.

Missing Iraqi Munitions Found At Walmart – Explosives Located In Housewares Aisle: “We thought they were boxes of dinnerware,” Spokesman Says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Ending a frantic search that spanned five continents, a housewife who also works as a part time employee of a Walmart store located on U.S. Highway 61 in Natchez, Mississippi, has apparently found munitions missing from the al-Qaqaa arms depot in Iraq.

Florida Supreme Court Awards World Series To St. Louis: “Many Cardinals players and fans were unaware Game 4 was crucial,” Court Says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Tallahassee– The Florida Supreme Court in a 7-0 decision today awarded the 2004 World Series to the Saint Louis Cardinals.

Combined Gallup, AP, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, Pew, Zogby Poll Shows Kerry Landslide: "It’s not even close,” Pollsters Say

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

A combined poll taken by Gallup, Associated Press, Zogby, CNN, PBS, Pew, ABC, NBC and CBS News predicts a landslide November 2nd victory for Democrat John Forbes Kerry. The poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus two percentage points, showed 98% for Mr. Kerry, 0% for President George W. Bush, and 2% undecided.

Activists Seek To Oust President: “Leader must be able to speak well, eloquently,” spokesman says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

A group of well-heeled activists announced today that they have launched a renewed effort to remove the president.

“This horrible situation cannot continue. A leader must be able to lead, to speak well, to express himself clearly. Our nation now suffers from a leader who can do none of these things,” the group’s spokesman said. “We are demanding eloquence.”

New Michael Moore Film To Reexamine The American Revolution: What if the British had won?

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Filmmaker Michael Moore has announced the production of a new film that will for the first time honestly look at the American Revolution without biases or preconceived notions.

New York Times Threatens To Leave America If Bush Reelected: “We’re outta’ here,” paper’s publisher says"

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

In a shocking twist to this year’s presidential campaign, the New York Times, often thought of as America’s premier newspaper, has threatened to move its headquarters from New York City to Paris, France if George W. Bush is reelected on November 2nd.

New York Times Endorses Kerry: Bush the Root of All Evil, Paper Says

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

The New York Times today endorsed Democrat John Forbes Kerry in his attempt to win the presidency from George W. Bush.

In listing a litany of policy mistakes made by Mr. Bush, the Times cited the President’s disregard for the separation of church and state, his failed policy on Iraq, his poorly-conceived war against “terrorism,” his lavishing of tax cuts on the rich and corporate America, and his status as the Antichrist who is the root of all evil.

Riot Breaks Out At Dangerfield Funeral – Seating Arrangements Spark Melee

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Rodney Dangerfield, the bug-eyed comic whose trademark line was, “I tell ya, I don’t get no respect,” was buried today in a service that Hollywood – a town known for erratic and outlandish behavior – may not soon forget.

Studies on the Efficacy of Prayer Flawed, Critics Say – “You’re asking us to believe in miracles.”

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com

Critics of several recent “scientific” studies dating to the late-1980’s on the efficacy of prayer are questioning the Bush Administration’s continued allocations of millions of dollars for what they say amounts to an effort to “prove God.”

George Soros Starts Fund To Have Narcissistic Megalomania Declared Non-Illness: “Nothing exists outside of me,” Soros Claims

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com/

Billionaire investor and philanthropist George Soros announced today that he has started a foundation that will work to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), commonly known as Narcissistic Megalomania, removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s list of psychiatric illnesses.

Movement Afoot To Declare Late Rebbe A Saint: Would Be Only 2nd Canonized Jew Since The Apostles

Chabad-Lubavitch: “We’re flattered, but we must demur.”
By Shmarya Rosenberg | http://www.shpoof.com

Vatican officials today announced a move to canonize Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson. Rabbi Schneerson, known popularly as “The Rebbe,” led the Chabad-Lubavitch movement of hasidic Jews for more than forty years until his death in 1994.

Proclaimed by his followers as the Jewish messiah, Rabbi Schneerson’s death is credited by scholars and the Church alike for the reintroduction into Rabbinic Judaism of a long-discredited idea – the resurrection, or “second coming,” of the messiah . . .

Rather denies Kerry mysterious object's existence–Brokaw: Pocket Controversy ‘A Bunch of Hooey!’

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.jewishworldreview.com
Did John Kerry "illegally" bring a "cheat sheet" to his debate with President George W. Bush? The question, first raised on right wing Internet web logs, or "blogs", has been pushed to the forefront of presidential politics by an unlikely source — CBS News.

Continued here . . .

TABLETS APPEAR TO BE FORGERIES, EXPERTS SAY

By Shmarya Rosenberg http://www.shpoof.com/

Experts are condemning as “frauds” and “rank forgeries” two stone tablets purportedly found last week in a mound of rubble on the Haram al-Sharif, or “Temple Mount,” in Jerusalem. The tablets, containing ten sayings or “commandments,” exhort humans to follow a set of “moral laws” or suggestions including a “prohibition” against “adultery” and a “command” to honor one’s parents.