« Who Is He? Allegedly Fake Lawyer Busted, FBI, US Attorney, Federal Judge Don’t Know Who “Shlomo Dickerman” Really Is | Main | Updated: Chabad Rabbi Shot Dead On Way To North Miami Beach Shul »

August 08, 2014

Ba'al Teshuva Hasidic Lesbian Dreams

Alleged victim 2One day I boarded an airplane and found myself sitting next to a nun. …Did her skin also ache for touch in a way nothing in her world could satisfy? Did she also set aside dreams, like the erotic lesbian dreams that used to pepper my fitful nights?


Leah Lax writes in Dame Magazine:

…One day I boarded an airplane and found myself sitting next to a nun. I had been schooled to quietly disdain other religions, particularly Christianity, but in spite of myself I was drawn to her. She, too, carried a well-thumbed pocket-size prayer book. She, too, had felt the drug-like pull of religious life. She also knew how one could come to love ancient texts that seem to have captured God’s voice from long ago. I sat down, gratefully—and then didn’t say a word the whole flight. I was actually afraid.

I picture us now and then, two women on a plane, me in my wig and long clothes, her in a blue dress and matching scarf, both of us disconnected from the microcosm of society around us, and both willing to feel responsible, by covering ourselves, for the obscure desires of men we didn’t ever really get to know. I imagine us both too in love with structure and assertions of the sublime, unaware of how much that had weakened us.

In communities like hers and like mine, women often don’t dare confide in one another. But sometimes I wonder, what if the plane had gone into distress? Then would we have understood how important it was to speak, and listen?

Did her skin also ache for touch in a way nothing in her world could satisfy? Did she also set aside dreams, like the erotic lesbian dreams that used to pepper my fitful nights?


We used to push the men to recite their long daily prayers and spend time studying holy texts. This earned us their admiration—and also helped us to mildly shame them. Religiosity was subversive power.

The paradox is that our religion gave us the only way we knew to express our connection to God—so our most self-defining, most public expression was in a language of self-erasure. Covering. Silence. Whispered prayer. Humble work indoors. Our rabbi often said that for a woman, changing a diaper was the holiest of prayers.

I remember this when I read about the years-long controversy over France forbidding the veil, or Turkey, where I recently saw many young fashionable women in secular areas of Istanbul going about in niqab head coverings. Clothing is self-expression. Sure it’s ironic, but the veil is the language they have.

I believe the women who fight the hardest for the veil probably cannot begin to imagine the creativity, the audacity, the impossible courage before tradition and the men who uphold it, to come up with their own, new, language about God.

So we obeyed the Law to make a statement that we were good, valid, devoted. Then we dominated our children and laughed among ourselves.


How is it that I am here years later living with my Susan, defiant of the dictates of any religion, in an average middle-aged life? Go to work. Meet friends in a restaurant. Putter in the garden. Walk the dog.

You could say it had to do with the erotic dreams or that ache in my skin, or exhaustion from a “life of the spirit” so utterly physical for women. But I was well trained and would have continued like so many others.

I left when I felt invisible.…

Read it all here.


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Yeah the nuns wear 'loud' umderwear like the heredi girls do (from what i hear). I actually studied into nuns some months back. Totally fascinating world they live in.

The way it works is like this: the nun is someones daughter. She decides she wants to be a nun because women are not allowed to priests so theres only a nuns role for women. After university she choses a Catholic Sisterhhod/fraternity to join. Each one has different rules and regulations. The nuns have their own sisterhoods with crazy names like 'The Jerusalem Sisters of Zion'.

There's two types of nuns. Nuns that can have visitors and leave the convent, and the 'cloistered' nuns. The latter totally freaked me out. If you think Haredi is strict, you've seen nothing yet. What happens with the cloistered nuns is they litterally sign their life over to the convent. Their name gets changed, and they are no longer allowed contact with the outside world - not even their parents. And get this - the live their whole lives inside courtyards. Never to see the outside of the walls. This is so their souls can be pure. The idea is as little as corrution as possible.

Did you know: when you go to a hospital, or iniversity, and you see these odd courtyards in the middle, these were often for nuns doing service.

The nuns played a huge, huge role all through history during times of famine, war, etc. even during liberating us from the death camps, it's unbelievable just how many convents there are and how nice they are. It's simply amazing.. One can not even begin to calculate the value of everything the own.

There was this guy actually that had a lot of deep questions about faith and God. He was told to call a nun at a mt Sinai convent . He said he was freaked out and said it was litterally like speaking to God on the phone, he couldnt believe it.

Why? Because when you interpret the text properly how Hashem wants you to, this fills you with Ruach Hakodesh (holy spirit). All people know when the holy spirit is speaking through you. It's something all humans have. Jews used to have it the most because only we could understand the text properly and thus Hashems desire Thats why we are at an advantage. It's NOT because of a Jewish soul. It's simply because we can understand the message of the Torah moe "

Yahoshua David-

The more you understand the message of the torah the more you realize it's written by bronze age men. That's why it's filled with misogyny, genocide, immoralities and the theological beliefs of their ANE neighbors.
Anyone who thinks the holy spirit speaks to them or through them is in need of psychiatric

Yahoshua David-

Have you seen the film "The Magdelene Sisters"?

ah-pee - thus the cloister.

I'm just wondering, when someone writes an 8 paragraph comment on a blog, how any people read it?

A competent psychiatrist would have done you good too...

All you are is an angry old fart.


Flatulence is best sort of flattery as he toots his ... in honor of Master Shmarya ...

See that's the problem. Only Hashem can bless you with how much Of his message you are able to understand. That's why it's futile having people learning Torah all day. Because most can't make sense of it and end up not believing.

This Orthodox rabbi who teaches law said half of his class was hasidic. He asked for an essay on if they support univeral healthcare. The haredi kids all said yes and started to sight all sorts of halakha supporting why. But despite all their Torah knowledge, they didnt understand something basic that univeral provided care is not an orthodox value. (As the govts role is not charity).

This is because they can not understand what Hashem wants. Its not their fault as most people cant.

Look at it like this. If there was a person who could understand 50% of what Hashem wanted from us, that person would have 50% Ruach Hakodesh (holy spirit).

Now heres the kicker. God is beyond or time and matter and our understanding. But supposed God could 'dumb' himself down (lack of a better term) to our human level. Suppose he became human like us on earth. This person would have 100% Ruach Hackodesh. If you spoke to this person, it essentially means you are speaking to God himself in human form (hmmm... Sound familiar?)

Example: When someone sees a clip of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, they know right away that this guy has unusualy high Ruach Hakodesh. There's something inside both Jew and Gentile alike that knew he was not an average person.

Only Hashem grants certain people the gift of understanding theough Torah what he wants from us. The ONLY way to understand what Hashem wants feom us is through INTERPRETATION and understanding of the Torah. However, as a layperson, it's NOT your job to necessarily be a scholar. All you need to do is follow after those who understand.

So This website and Shmaryas work is fully, 100% withing the will of Hashem. However, Shmarya might be a liberal humanist and take on many beliefs that go against Hashem,

However we must note that Shmarya can think what he wants. He can read as much or little Torah as he wants. Why? Because it's not what goes in you, it's what comes OUT of you. His output to the world is very much with Hashems will. His life every day is very much in compliance with Hashem. Why? Because he has more Ruach Hakodesh than most of us, even if he doesnt realize it. That's why he finds motivation and this site has stood. The Ruach Hakodesh is what keeps this alive. He had good role models somewhere along the way. Or he read Torah and was able to grasp what hashem meant rather than all the nonsense. Either way, his possession of Ruach Hakodesh must have come either directly or indirectly from Torah. Theres not other way. It must come from Torah values.

Actually, that movie Davinci Code. The evil character is from the order of the Opus Dei from Spain. The founder of that order has a LOT of Ruach Hakodesh. You'll know it right away in this very difficult question he gets. His answer is 100% halakah in every area and Ruach Hakodesh is off the charts:


I havent seen the Magladen movie though.. I should watch it.. I find the whole nun thing fascinating and the level of Holyness these people have is on another level.. the miracles at these places are increadible. The one nun told this girl to read Psalms 93 or something. And the girl comes back crying on camera freaked out because she went to the church area on the convent and grabbed a random bible and it had a bookmark in it and she opened it and it was right at Psalm 93 and she was all freaked out by that. Almost all the guests were in tears by the miracles and such that happened direing their stay.

Jekyll Jacobson-

Your responses are what I'd expect from a child whose just been told santa claus isn't real. I wonder why.

Megalomaniac Watch -

Your master doesn't exist. Being forced to confront that makes you uncomfortable . Too bad.

Yahoshua David-

Have you seen the film "The Magdelene Sisters"?

Posted by: Michael from Lakewood | August 09, 2014 at 05:47 PM

It's not about nuns. You didn't get the film. It's about rigidly organized religion's emotional, physical and psychological abuse of children caught in its institutions.

This how the whole thing works

In general [with exceptions of course] single people are frowned upon in the Catholic Church. Unless of course someone goes into a religious order. So for a gay guy becoming a priest or a monk/brother is very acceptable.
Being a 'old maid' is unacceptable but becoming a nun is acceptable.

A 'cloistered' nun is rare.Taking care of 'parasites' costs money. Nuns are used as nurses or teachers and these nuns can wear street clothes.
Men are used as priests or monks/brothers.
Monks/brothers are commonly called brothers are used as teachers or workers in a[e.g.] winery.

Another small source are people whose spouse died, have little or no family and men would be taken into a 'monastery' and maybe be put to work what they did in civilian life. There is always a need for accountants, electricians or what ever.

All these take a vow of poverty except for parish priests

All take vows of celebacy and obedience. The vow of poverty is not to be poor (though monastic life is not glitzy) but that all things are held in common. For example I had an uncle who wrote several books on Biblical theology - they are still in use as standards and just about any priest has read them during training. The books made millions for his order and not my uncle until years later after he was laicised.

For people interested in reading more from the author, another story of hers is included in an anthology called Beyond Belief, focusing on women in "Extreme" Religions. It includes several other works by women who lived the Haredi lifestyle. http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Belief-Secret-Extreme-Religions/dp/1580054420

how about all the rape by priests and other abuse that takes place in the cloisters (nuns physically abusing other nuns)-- but bc they are locked in,rarely if ever, does anyone on the outside hear about it.

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.


Post a comment



FailedMessiah.com is a reader supported website.

Thank you for your generous support!




Please Scroll Down Toward The Bottom Of This Page For More Search Options, For A List Of Recent Posts, And For Comments Rules


Recent Posts


FailedMessiah.com is a reader supported website. Please click the Donate button now to contribute.

Thank you for your generous support!


Comment Rules

  • 1. No anonymous comments.

    2. Use only one name or alias and stick with that.

    3. Do not use anyone else's name or alias.

    4. Do not sockpuppet.

    5. Try to argue using facts and logic.

    6. Do not lie.

    7. No name-calling, please.

    8. Do not post entire articles or long article excerpts.

    ***Violation of these rules may lead to the violator's comments being edited or his future comments being banned.***

Older Posts Complete Archives

Search FailedMessiah


FailedMessiah.com is a reader supported website.

Thank you for your generous support!



FailedMessiah.com in the Media

RSS Feed

Blog Widget by LinkWithin