How Hasidic Communities Use Deceit, Political Clout And Cunning To Rip Children Away From Parents Who Leave The Hasidic Fold

"…A family court judge could not rule on the basis of religion, I imagined. I was unaware that even with a strong case, custody battles could cost many tens of thousands of dollars, which the community could easily raise but I could not. I was unaware that, when held in Rockland County, N.Y.—a hub of American ultra-Orthodoxy, less than an hour north of New York City—custody battles required rabbis, community leaders, and Orthodox family therapists on your side. I was unaware that family courts were also part of the local political machinery and that elections and constituencies were never far from a judge’s mind. I was unaware that my relatively meager resources were no match for a powerfully resourceful community with an ideological stake in the future of my children. Most of all, I was naive about the powers of religious extremism to control the minds of children themselves.…"

 

In Tablet Magazine, Shulem Deen writes about Deb Tambor's sad and early death and the hasidic community that ripped her children away from her – and his children away from him:

…Married for nearly 15 years, my wife and I chose, in December of 2007, to part ways. Our divergent worldviews and religious differences had brought acrimony and tension into our day-to-day lives, and it had created an untenable situation in our home. While I was committed to maintaining religious observance when around family and community, I was no longer a believer. My wife, however, could not stomach a heretic in our home, and I could not stomach her scrutiny of our credit card statements for charges at non-kosher restaurants.

We agreed to resolve matters about the children between us, but several months later, I found myself in family court, facing complaint after complaint on minor matters of religion and Hasidic custom. I was wearing jeans when I picked up the children, one petition read. I fed them matzo on Passover that was square and machine-baked, rather than round and handmade, read another. There was concern that I might take the children to “atheist places”—which I could only surmise meant natural history museums or maybe a movie theater. And so she wanted me out of our children’s strictly Hasidic lives.

The complaints were brought by my ex-wife, but I knew also that community “experts” were involved. One community member in particular, one of my ex-wife’s relatives, tasked himself as overseer of my children’s fates. As he told one of my own family members: “We may not have a legal case. But we can beat him down emotionally and financially. He’ll have to give up eventually.”

I remember laughing when I heard it. It sounded ludicrous. A family court judge could not rule on the basis of religion, I imagined. I was unaware that even with a strong case, custody battles could cost many tens of thousands of dollars, which the community could easily raise but I could not. I was unaware that, when held in Rockland County, N.Y.—a hub of American ultra-Orthodoxy, less than an hour north of New York City—custody battles required rabbis, community leaders, and Orthodox family therapists on your side. I was unaware that family courts were also part of the local political machinery and that elections and constituencies were never far from a judge’s mind. I was unaware that my relatively meager resources were no match for a powerfully resourceful community with an ideological stake in the future of my children. Most of all, I was naive about the powers of religious extremism to control the minds of children themselves.

“My children will never reject me,” I remember saying. They adored me. Later I discovered it was more complicated than that. When a child is taught that a parent is wicked, the child’s love for the parent does not subside immediately. What the child mostly feels instead is shame. Shame over their own feelings of affection for someone they have been told is a bad person. Shame over their biological association with that bad person. Embarrassment over what people would say were they to observe or think about their association with this bad person. It is only natural that the child then wants nothing but to withdraw from the source of all that shame.

“Do you know how it hurts to hear your kid say they don’t want to see you?!” Deb once wrote in a Facebook discussion, trying to explain to those who didn’t understand. “Do you know how painful it is to see the kids watch the clock while you are visiting with them?!”

I knew.…

After being beaten down by the New Square machine and nearly losing his sanity, Deen found himself naerly broke and without the money to continue to fight. So he decided to try to make a deal with the New Square thugs. So he scheduled a meeting with the hasid who had become the community's "overseer" of his children's fates:

…“What we would like,” he said with a salesman’s flourish, “is for them to see you twice a year.”

I stared at him in disbelief. He tried to explain that this was best for the children. I had been prepared to take whatever I got, but I could not accept this.

“You are aware that they don’t want to see you, yes?”

I said nothing. The man thought for a bit, then offered four times a year.

I asked for six.

“Fine,” he said. He offered his hand, then pulled it back. “But only the three youngest.”

I bit my tongue, and nodded.

“And only until they’re 13,” he said. “Later it’s difficult. Especially for the boys, after bar mitzvah. You understand, of course.”

I didn’t understand. It didn’t matter.…

Read it all here.

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Comments

[Hal]

Dirtbags.

[Yochanan Lavie]

It's time to break the back of the Black Hat Mafia, both in USA & Israel.

[jancsibacsi]

Males dominate the religion that is why theese situations happen,theese hassidishe males work on intimidation they intimidate the woman and endear themself to the judicial system by claiming that they are the ones who can give the child a stable and loving home so the woman wife is left to fight them by herself which is impossible,in other words they break down the mother and shun her they are the cruelest bunch of beasts on this earth.

[FlatEarth]

Name of the family court judge? Attorneys?

[MonseyLuke]

Mr. Deen:

Beyond heartbreaking.

May you find peace and solitude as the wretched cretins who did this to you rot in an eternity of hatred and pain.

Luke.

[Jake]

This is how the American system works. The wealthy get the best attorneys and therefore have the best chances of winning.

[Bas Melech]

Fear of child alienation keeps people in bad marriages.

Aren't children commanded to honor both parents? All those complicit in alienating the children from their father/mother should experience the same with their own children.

Oh, as being better for the children? The kids suffer from their peers in the charedi world because of the secular parent. These children also are at a greater risk for abuse from adults.

[RWisler]

A dissenting opinion:

After thinking about this article quite a bit, I would like to offer the "other side of the story". As you all know, I believe that hareidi Judaism is a sham religion and that it is further from God's Torah then Jim Jones's Peoples Temple.

In the case that a spouse decided to leave the (chassidic) cult after marriage and bearing children into that cult, should they have any rights to other than supervised visitation?

My reasoning is that by marrying and bearing children while a member of that cult, they implicitely agreed to abide by the cult's "teachings" and practices. They agreed to socialize their children into those practices (as sick as they are).

It's not the remaining spouse's fault that the other person chose to leave. They had full expectation that their partner was in full agreement with the cult's teachings when they bore those children and a reasonable expectation that the children would be raised in the practices of that cult by both parents being fully devoted to the cult's teachings and practices.

Thus, if a cult-member finally "sees the truth" and decides to leave and go "off the derech", that person should not expect to disrupt the children's lives by exposing them to "foreign" influences that are different from anything that they experience in their daily lives within the cult.

It seems to me, that for the sake of the children (below the age of reason), that the spouse who wants to leave the cult should simply "soldier on", stay married, and give the appearance to their children of still being "in the cult" until those children are grown and out of the house.

[Devorah]

"Name of the family court judge? Attorneys?"

Doesn't matter...They are all crooked in Rockland and scared of chasidims' power. It stinks from the DA down. Honest people have no chance of winning any case.

[Bas Melech]

RWisler,

I agree that disrupting the child's life an immersing him in a totally different lifestyle would be detrimental. The child should be gradually introduced into it and not forced into a new way o life. The child should be raised to respect both parents. If Shabbos observance is an issue, the child could visit other times. Visitation in even like-minded divorced couples causes inconvenience, upheaval and strain.

Many unhappy spouses do "soldier on" until children can better cope with the upheaval o divorce.

[Wigmore]

Chasidic scum.

[Alter Kocker]

I was at a fund-raiser for the Weizmann Institute last night and could not help but reflect in the light of the incredible achievements that the Ultra Orthodox have demonized science as "Goyish".

Then I read RWisler's comments and I come to this conclusion: The immersion of a child in a cult, no matter whether good or bad is mind-control. The Hasidic orthodoxy turns not just a blind eye to the world surrounding it, it is actually antagonistic to the Other than Hasidic world. This culture is backward and ignorant and is no place to raise a child. Subjecting a child to mind-abuse, especially when directed by a member of the judiciary is absolutely horrifying. It behooves Mr Deen to continue his efforts, raising funds for court challenges should be undertaken. Taking matters to higher courts and other avenues must be explored. The Ultra-orthodoxy of New York act like organized crime, one only wishes that all of this eventually will come back to bite them all in the ass.

[Jeff]

"It's time to break the back of the Black Hat Mafia, both in USA & Israel."

Posted by: Yochanan Lavie | October 02, 2013 at 06:42 AM

Could not agree more. It's time for their hegemony of evil to be put a stop to. (I like to use fancy words to impress YL.)

[Jeff]

"Aren't children commanded to honor both parents?"

You know they discard commandments left and right as it suits them. You'll notice their taboos against "mesira" and going to gentile authorities also go out the window when they can use those authorities to their advantage.

[Gevezener Chusid]

I have a lot in common with Shulem Deen's experiences as related in the article. It gets worse when they grow up.

Although as far as I know my ultra-frummie exwife did not try to influence the children against me, their upbringing and education did the trick to the point where they no longer wanted to see me or come visit. I still keep my house kosher, just in case.
My oldest grandson will be bar mitzva in Frumville very shortly. So far I have not been invited.

When that daughter got married, and she sent me an invitation to the wedding, I actually had to call to ask her if she REALLY wanted me to come. She said yes, butthen again, what was she supposed to say? I was totally marginalized, and if you looked at the video you would think I hadn't even been there. My oldest son's wedding album looks like I had been airbrushed out of all the photos. They did show me where the back of my head appeared in one of the dancing circles. I do still have one daughter who still calls from time to time.

Occasionally someone will ask "How are your children?" (with that inimitable frum-jewish way of stretching out "chiiiiil-dren") to which my response usually has to be- if I care to be honest: "I have no idea but I presume they are still alive."

At this point, absence has NOT made the heart grow fonder. More like "out of sight, out of mind". I wonder if after 120 years they will bother to come to my funeral.

What is it that Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O'Hara at the end of GWTW? Me too.

[Jeff]

Horrible, GC - but why then do you bend over backwards to give them the benefit of the doubt? I don't keep accusing you of fence-hopping for no reason.

[rebitzman - $101 to read my posts]

""Name of the family court judge? Attorneys?""

This IS important. You can't raise a call to arms yet not define who it is we are supposed to oppose.

WAY too many stories here of late that are totally lacking in specifics (Note: not Shmarya's fault - he is posting the writings of reporters that are either afraid of the community or simply not very good)

[Gevezener Chusid]

you accuse me of fence sitting because I am sitting on the fence.

While there are many negative aspects to the chassidic way of life there are alot of positive aspects as well and I refuse to paint an entire community with a brush of negativity that I sincerely believe that most of them do not deserve.

[Gevezener Chusid]

I also don't think that any other iteration of "Jewishness" or "Judaism" represents any sort of improvement on the grand scale.

[!]

RWisler:

You make a good point except that these children will be trained to marry early, at an age they would still be considered children in other communities (even other orthodox ones) and then to have children immediately, thereby perpetuating the nightmare for generations to come. There really is no way to stop the insanity without forcing children to see a parent who is not observant. ..It is true that the still religious spouse had expectations that the children would be raised in a certain manner. But guess what - life happens. What about the expectations of a woman who marries a thin and trim man who becomes obese - if she then divorces him should she retain custody because the kids need a "healthy environment"? Where would we stop and say of the expectations of the remaining spouse: too bad? Of course when the community arranges the child marriages and doesn't allow "adults" to change at all - except as a group when new and stricter edicts come out - there are no problems and nobody complains because everything is perfect. (!!)

[rebitzman - $101 to read my posts]

".............I refuse to paint an entire community with a brush of negativity that I sincerely believe that most of them do not deserve."

Agreed - 100%

My own experiences with Haredi Jews are overwhelming positive and they are (by and large) a group who simply wish to follow HaShem as they believe He wishes to be followed.

That said, I have yet to have a positive experience with any of their leaders, ALL of who tend to be and in alignment with the people described in this article, and so many other similar articles.

[Barry]

The European Courts do things differently.

http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed101479

It is also important to note that the mother's legal fees were paid for by the state.

R Wisler misses the point that when a court is asked by a parent to intervene in the upbringing of a child, it must only do so in the child best interest. Child welfare is not a matter of contract law. If parents agree to raise a child in a particular manner, then do not expect the courts to intervene to enforce that agreement if the court is of the view that this agreement is not in the child's interest

In the UK case, the court appreciated that there was a clash between what Hareidim regarded as being in the best interests of a child (insularity, ignorance) and what the reasonable parent in today's society regards as paramount which the court determined as firstly that equality of opportunity is a fundamental value of society; secondly that society fosters, encourages and facilitates aspiration; and thirdly that society's objective must be to bring the child to adulthood in such a way that the child is best equipped both to decide what kind of life they want to lead and to give effect to their aspirations.

Of course leaving the cult will be disrupting to the child life (in the English case the grandparents broke off contact with the children) however the fundamental democratic values are so paramount it is worth paying this price

[Jeff]

Why don't you guys go over to VIN or YWN and talk to some of the people over there - then come back and tell us it's only their leaders.

[Jeff]

And I can't agree that the other iterations of Judaism aren't an improvement. I'll take an emphasis on social justice issues over the purported "spirituality" of the frum world any day.

[rebitzman - $101 to read my posts]

@Jeff

Would you like the folks over at VIN or YWN judging the entire Liberal or Secular Jewish world by the language and comments made by people on Failed Messiah?

OK - I concede -YOU probably do not care (grin), but most of us understand that the Internet is the bastion of the loudest of the loud.....and not the mainstream.

[Jeff]

You're seeing what you want to see.

[rebitzman - $101 to read my posts]

Just the opposite, Jeff - only one of us has decide that ALL members of a group is (Fill in the Blank). That's actually a pretty good description of seeing what you want to see........

There are flaw in Judaism - lots of flaws, and (IMO) the unaddressed flaws by the arm of our faith that claims to be above all the others with regards to ethics, morals and religiosity is the most abhorrent. That said, judging the majority for the sins of the leaders and the loudest is simply not justified BEYOND them failing in their obligation to speak out against those who would hijack their faith.