“Jimmy Hoffa’s in Mea Shearim right now, sucking up kugel!,” Schwartz suddenly shrieked, although careful this time to swallow his load of café au laît before he did it. “The thing with these government dicks, Spade, is that they paskin from the exception to make the rule.”
More Dicks Needed In Rabbinate, Rabbi Says
Shmuel Spade • Special to FailedMessiah.com
Jerusalem – They’re not your average government dicks.
Or, maybe they are.
As near as I can figure, they creep around like J. Edgar Hoover trying to blackmail a congressman, looking deep into the backgrounds of people immigrating to Israel – especially of Israelis born in the Diaspora to a male Israeli parent and whose female parent lacks the “proper” rabbinic documentation – to try to determine Jewish status.
The head of this crack bunch, Rabbi Zalman Glizinsky, says that his investigators are overworked and that his department – a part of the haredi-controled chief rabbinate – needs more money and more personnel.
We only have five investigators, Glizinsky reportedly whined. “It’s not enough!”
“There’s a dick shortage at the Rabbinate,” Whitey Schwartz guffawed, nearly spitting the last of his glatt kosher French Roast over me and his tablet, his trembling nicotine-stained finger pointing to the Arutz Sheva news brief as we sat in a swank Jerusalem hotel lobby favored by these rabbi types.
I motioned for the server to hit us again. Whitey pointed to his beard, winked at her and purred, “Lavan, baby.”
“So these dicks are out to disqualify people, to help the rabbis rule them non-Jews?”
Whitey looked at me with pity.
Glizinsky, Whitey continued with some doubt, claims that in many cases his investigators have found documents proving people’s Jewishness.
However – and now Whitey lowered his tone ominously to heighten what he understood as Glizinsky’s transparent attempt to scare up more money for his department – there have also been cases where seemingly Orthodox or haredi families were discovered to be fakes after Glizinsky’s dicks exposed them as Christians who moved to Israel to hide from foreign crime syndicates like the Mob, or from foreign police.
“Jimmy Hoffa’s in Mea Shearim right now, sucking up kugel!,” Schwartz suddenly shrieked, although he was careful this time to completly swallow the load of café au laît in his mouth before he did it. “The thing with these government dicks, Spade, is that they paskin from the exception to make the rule.”