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January 02, 2013

More Dicks Needed In Rabbinate, Rabbi Says

Sam spade bogart“Jimmy Hoffa’s in Mea Shearim right now, sucking up kugel!,” Schwartz suddenly shrieked, although careful this time to swallow his load of café au laît before he did it. “The thing with these government dicks, Spade, is that they paskin from the exception to make the rule.”

More Dicks Needed In Rabbinate, Rabbi Says
Shmuel Spade • Special to FailedMessiah.com

Jerusalem – They’re not your average government dicks.

Or, maybe they are.

As near as I can figure, they creep around like J. Edgar Hoover trying to blackmail a congressman, looking deep into the backgrounds of people immigrating to Israel – especially of Israelis born in the Diaspora to a male Israeli parent and whose female parent lacks the “proper” rabbinic documentation – to try to determine Jewish status.

The head of this crack bunch, Rabbi Zalman Glizinsky, says that his investigators are overworked and that his department – a part of the haredi-controled chief rabbinate – needs more money and more personnel.

We only have five investigators, Glizinsky reportedly whined. “It’s not enough!”

“There’s a dick shortage at the Rabbinate,” Whitey Schwartz guffawed, nearly spitting the last of his glatt kosher French Roast over me and his tablet, his trembling nicotine-stained finger pointing to the Arutz Sheva news brief as we sat in a swank Jerusalem hotel lobby favored by these rabbi types.

I motioned for the server to hit us again. Whitey pointed to his beard, winked at her and purred, “Lavan, baby.”

“So these dicks are out to disqualify people, to help the rabbis rule them non-Jews?”

Whitey looked at me with pity. 

Glizinsky, Whitey continued with some doubt, claims that in many cases his investigators have found documents proving people’s Jewishness.

However – and now Whitey lowered his tone ominously to heighten what he understood as Glizinsky’s transparent attempt to scare up more money for his department – there have also been cases where seemingly Orthodox or haredi families were discovered to be fakes after Glizinsky’s dicks exposed them as Christians who moved to Israel to hide from foreign crime syndicates like the Mob, or from foreign police.

“Jimmy Hoffa’s in Mea Shearim right now, sucking up kugel!,” Schwartz suddenly shrieked, although he was careful this time to completly swallow the load of café au laît in his mouth before he did it. “The thing with these government dicks, Spade, is that they paskin from the exception to make the rule.”


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More metzitza b'peh references? :)

More metzitza b'peh references? :)

Posted by: maven | January 02, 2013 at 01:29 PM

I'm just happy to have a correspondent in Jerusalem, even if he does spend most of his time learning in a haredi yeshiva and working on writing his detective novel (that his rabbis don't know about).

Every city has an underbelly teeming with stories crying out to be told.

Jerusalem, Bnei Brak, Sefat, Ashkelon, Ashdod, etc. are no different.

Very clever!! (Who wrote it?)

if you consider yourself a serious journalist act like one

With today's Rabbinate it is usually the other part of the package that is missing.

Idea: people moving to Israel should have to supply their mother's original bloody sheet and a photo of their father's circumcision.

Making aliyah - the stuff that dreams are made of, shweetheart.

When I read the title of the article,I immediately thought about some har-core porn movie about an all male haredi gang-bang.Me so disappointed.....

Even Shmarya can find new lows to sink to.

It's very funny, Shmarya.

The whole thing is funny until your family is posuled (found not Jewish). Not Jewish can also mean an orthodox beit din not on the Israeli list of approved rabbis.

It is a very popular thing to have business meetings in hotel lobbies in Jerusalem.

I use to do it all the time.

This is funny, but as a previous poster said, making immature jokes and utilizing bathroom humor in a 'real piece of journalism' is totally out of bounds.

Purim coming early this year?
It's good to stretch every now and again. Don't let these tightassed guys discourage you.

At first I thouhght this was someones diatribe against women rabbis.

This was very clever! (Near as I can figure...) Well done!

Hey folks - lighten up! A little entertainment every now and then wont kill you!

Play it again, Shmarya!

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