Once Upon A Life: Leaving A Hasidic Community

Because I read books in English I knew I was a bad girl. In a black-and-white world you can either be bad or good. A Jew or not a Jew. There is no in-between. Maybe I didn't wear red nail polish like a shiksa gentile, but I was peeking into an evil world, living vicariously in it through fictional characters. Break a rule and you're automatically on God's blacklist. My grandfather used to say English was an impure language and to employ it in any way would mean employing Satan himself as commander of my heart.

Once upon a life
Brought up in a strict Hasidic community in New York, Deborah Feldman could only dream of lipstick and jeans, cigarettes and playing the piano. So what happened when, in her twenties, she renounced her religion?
Deborah Feldman • Guardian

I grew up in the black-and-white section of Brooklyn, New York. The men in my family wore black hats, black coats and white shirts, they studied black-and-white books and said bright colours were the work of the devil.

I read books, too, but they were in English, not Hebrew, and they came from the forbidden public library, and in their black-and-white pages I was introduced to a foreign, exciting world. The spicy redhead in Anne of Green Gables charmed me; the genders in Little Women kept getting mixed up, but I fell in love with the androgynous Jo regardless; and although Dickensian English did not read easy, I muddled through its glorious convolutions nonetheless.

Because I read books in English I knew I was a bad girl. In a black-and-white world you can either be bad or good. A Jew or not a Jew. There is no in-between. Maybe I didn't wear red nail polish like a shiksa gentile, but I was peeking into an evil world, living vicariously in it through fictional characters. Break a rule and you're automatically on God's blacklist. My grandfather used to say English was an impure language and to employ it in any way would mean employing Satan himself as commander of my heart. There was no doubt that my heart was already thoroughly blackened by the time I was 10 years old.

I doubt it came as a surprise to anyone that I left the Hasidic community. Like my zeidy predicted, I became seduced by the devil. It started with the small things: clear nail polish, subtle eyeliner, a ride on the subway. But then I wanted to see the world, wear jeans, drive a car, learn how to play the piano – all of which were impossible dreams for a woman of my circumstances. Obviously the books worked. Had I never read them, there is no way these desires would have burgeoned within me.

Perhaps it wasn't just the books that made me think sinful thoughts. Perhaps I took example from others. Surely there were rebels before me. There were girls who wore lipstick and sashayed down the main avenue in tight skirts. There were boys who took their hats off once they got to the city and ate hamburgers and talked to girls. All I was really doing wrong was reading secular books.

I remember standing at a bus stop in Stamford Hill when I visited London as a teenager, intent on getting to Harrods so I could buy the newest Harry Potter book. A sexy movie poster for Confidence distracted me; an actress in a low-cut minidress, her hands placed haughtily at her hips, gazed out on to the busy intersection. Two Hasidic women pushing baby carriages down Clapton Common pointed at the poster in horror as they passed by, murmuring in shocked tones: "You know that's so and so's daughter, who ran away when she was 12, with nothing but a knapsack and a few pound notes. Well I guess now we know where she went." The other woman clapped her hand over her mouth in shock, her eyes widening.

I looked back at the brunette actress with renewed admiration. Was that a spark of chutzpah I detected in her smirk? Could you imagine, I said to myself, becoming something like that? Not just disappearing into thin air, but re-emerging years later to gaze triumphantly down at those I had left behind? The thought of it thrilled me. If I left, I knew I'd become something big. Not an actress, but maybe I would write books, like JK Rowling. Maybe I'd show up on a poster, too, and the entire town would gossip about me as they walked past.

Stories of rebels used to be uncommon scandals. Now there is an entire generation of young Hasids chafing against rules that are impossible to follow in an increasingly seductive wave of new modernity. In the age of the iPod, can one really still outlaw an innocent book? Some Hasids prefer to gently stretch the rules, others break them openly. Still, the young rebels swarm into mainstream culture like immigrants fresh off the boat, using broken English to purchase movie tickets and porn rags, rolling up the sleeves of their white shirts to reveal skin pale from lack of exposure. Side-curls tucked neatly behind their ears, they squint in the bright sunlight as if having crawled out of a cave.

I like to think that I am a little different from the others, who sneak out so they can partake in all that is sleazy and salacious. Strip clubs aren't my scene and I don't really like the idea of altering my reality with drugs. I prefer poetry slams and karaoke. Even my English is better, made fluent from years of reading, although perhaps at times slightly accented. (My Brooklyn consonants emerge when I speak passionately.) In jeans and a T-shirt, though, I look like everyone else. And instead of a bogus degree in Talmudical study, I have an actual education.

After I left Williamsburg in 2006, I enrolled in Sarah Lawrence College, a liberal arts college located on a pastoral campus in Bronxville NY. I put my past behind me and made friends with girls who had blonde hair and blue eyes, girls who grew up riding horses and going to prom. For a long time I toyed with the idea of dyeing my hair blonde. I always thought that if I left I'd go straight from being a Hasid to being a gentile, instead I found that I went simply from being a Hasid, to being an ex-Hasid, blonde hair or no.

I was consumed by an obsession with everything I had previously known to be sinful. There was a distinct sensation of relish in everything I did: the first time I danced publicly was exhilarating, the first time I drank beer I got drunk from half a Guinness, and the first time I flirted with a boy I came on too strong.

As a young girl I had yearned to be able to do everything the men were allowed to do. I couldn't smoke cigarettes because that would attract male attention, so I watched while the men puffed prodigiously into the night air and desired nothing more than to be male for a day. Was there a bigger thrill than being behind the wheel of one's own life? Sure, smoking was bad for me. Still, I now did it – and still do – because it reminded me that I had the power to make my own decisions. I wasn't very good at it, but I cherished the freedom to inhale anyway.

Cursing was another indulgence (it may be a sign of poor breeding in secular circles, but I still feel a little thrill every time I utter a swear word). I got roped into trying pork for the first time when I saw a curl of prosciutto resting on a fig and walnut tart. It looked like any other cold cut of meat, so I put it in my mouth. It was only after I swallowed that my friend crowed, "You just ate pig!" Surprisingly, no lightning struck. Pork isn't that big a deal once you get used to it; it's hard to understand why it evokes such repulsion in the Hasidic community.

In the beginning, the small things were enough to keep me happy. I was caught up in the newness of it all; there was a distinct pleasure in knowing how many "first times" lay ahead of me, and an excitement involved in surpassing the milestones. What most teenagers accomplish in a decade I managed to rush through in a year.

After a while though, when I felt satisfied that I had tried enough of what had been forbidden to me, I started to think about the more important things. I have made a point of voting in every election, just for the thrill of knowing I do have a valid opinion. As a woman in the Hasidic community, my singular contribution to society had rested on my ability to marry and have children. My role was special and holy, but it was certainly the only role I could play. Housewife. Mother. For everything else I could depend on my husband. When my professors and classmates at college instantly treated me like an equal, and regarded my opinions as worth consideration, I basked in their recognition like it was the sunshine after a long rain. I read newspapers and talked about politics, slightly surprised each time I was taken seriously. I asked questions without fear of repercussions; I made decisions without wondering if I was going to be criticised.

But while taking delight in my freedom, I also wrestled with sensations of guilt and rootlessness. I felt torn between wanting to be a part of the outside world and convincing myself that it was an impossible goal. This constant state of self-consciousness became an integral part of who I am and how I see the world. When that goes away, perhaps then I will be an official gentile.

I did everything it took to blend in. I drank imported beer. I shredded my jeans. I listened to offensive feminist rap and watched independent films. What made me different from the rest of the students was that I was four years older than everyone else, and when class was finished I went to pick up my son from daycare instead of heading to the pub.

When I was 17 my grandfather arranged my marriage to a young Talmud scholar with golden side-curls and the beginnings of a beard. That's how I came to be a single mother at such a young age. I'd like to explain that to everyone I meet who thinks I'm my son's nanny or, worse, a knocked-up unwed mother. But the story of a teenage girl who forgot to use protection is simpler than the truth, and I allow people their assumptions.

Had my son stayed in the Hasidic community he would have been attending Hebrew school every day from nine to five, and he would very likely have grown up into one of those young men thrown into the real world without even a high school diploma to help them succeed. Such deprivation in this age of opportunity is unthinkable to me. My son might grow up to be an astronaut or a vet. It's his choice. If he'd like to be a Talmud scholar, that's fine, too. But he'll have the opportunity to go to college if he likes, and we read books about hungry caterpillars without feeling a shred of guilt.

I drove away from my marriage, and my religion, for good on the one eve of my 23rd birthday, with nothing but my son and some garbage bags filled with clothes. I changed my phone number and address and didn't tell anyone where I was. To the people whose blood is the same as mine I am very likely lost for ever.

God didn't seem to mind that I now uncovered my hair, drove a car or studied philosophy, but the Hasids sure did. I'd broken the rules and, like the actress on the poster, had proceeded to flaunt it by writing about it in a memoir. Those with the gall to break out of the community are expected to slink away in silence, to disappear into the netherworld of mainstream society. Especially if the rebel is a woman. It is easier for men to find the means and independence to slip through the cracks in Hasidic society. Women are quickly tied down, made financially and emotionally dependent upon men and are rarely faced with opportunities to explore the outside world.

By and large, being ostracised does not pain me as much as being different. I pride myself on being unrecognisable; I like it when people try to guess what ethnicity I am and run the gamut from Lebanese to Native American. If you can't quite put your finger on where I come from, then I've done a good job. Truth is, no matter how great the jeans fit, or how sleek the cigarette looks between my fingers, I will never be able to erase the part of me that is Hasidic.

I have learned to be proud of that, but it took me a long time to get here. I have set down new roots, and I have discovered that my friends have become my family, supporting me in whatever I decide to do, and accepting me for who I am. And that, I have come to realise, is what family is all about.

Deborah Feldman was born and raised in the Hasidic community of Williamsburg in Brooklyn, New York. Her memoir is being published by Simon & Schuster in 2011.

[Hat Tip: PR.]

Comments

[ruthie]

BRAVA!

[kathiego]

You can't just walk away. Where did she get the money from? It takes money to live in or around New York even in a tiny apartment?? I think she is brave.

[Bartley Kulp]

In response to kathiego. This woman lives in England where there is a more elaborate social safety net than what you have in the states.

[the Real Joe]

I don't see why her story is so amazing I am sure if Simon and shuster looked around they could have found a cooler person to write a story about there are plenty of other boy's and girls who drop out but unlike her they don't seem to live in a movie or as the Israeli saying goes chai beseryet she has this really troubling negative attitude I mean the second something doesn't go good for her in the secular world who knows what shes going to do next

[rabbiyaacov]

She worked and achieved. In New York, if you are determined to work hard there is money for college and opportunity. Gd bless her. a brave and courageous woman. Torah is our gift not a straightjacket.

[frum single female]

very well written.i cant wait to read the book when it comes out.

[chaim1]

"""" well written.i cant wait to read the book when it comes out."""""

Cant see what you a frum single female see in her. She is most likely from a broken home and has to prove to herself that she can outdo any shiksa. She is it seems living off the state and raving it up. One day she will beg to be taken back. They all do. Her book will be forgotten about in a week. She is no J K Rowling. I wonder with her 'satmar english' how she managed to even write it, let alone a getting a prestige publishing house to print it. You must be very naive and really frum not to know what to expect from such a book. You think it will be an eye opener for you of how to get off the derech. I am sure she is already trying to come back.

[harold]

Here we go again, hunting down the stories of the small percentage of people who left their heritage, and family. There is a constant ebb and flow of people leaving and joining being a Haredi, Chassid, Judaism, Christianity etc. Look at all the stories we have here about conversions. Then we have the story of Yosef Robinson who became a haredi. I know that the point is to try to make it seem like there is a groundswell of people waiting to bolt out, but I don’t think so.

To show the extent of the religion churn read the following as an example:

http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2009/0428/p02s01-ussc.html

Why so many Americans switch religions
A new Pew survey suggests that many Catholics leave their church because of doctrine, whereas Protestants tend to leave because of life changes such as marriage.

America is a country on the move in innumerable ways, and religion is no exception. Half of Americans have changed their religious denomination at least once in their lives – many several times – and 28 percent have switched faiths altogether (for example, from Christianity to Judaism). Amid this fluidity, the number of "unaffiliated" adults has grown to 16 percent of the population

What is behind such extraordinary "churn" in US religious life? As a follow-up to its pathbreaking 2007 survey of the American religious landscape, the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life released a new survey Monday – "Faith in Flux" – that explores in depth the patterns and reasons for such remarkable change.
Most people who switch their allegiance during their lifetime, the survey finds, leave their childhood faith while they are still young, before the age of 24. Yet the opportunities for attracting them to another religion appear to continue for some time.
The reasons for leaving differ according to the origin and destination of the convert. Roman Catholics, for instance, tend to leave because they don't accept certain church teachings. Those Protestants who switch denominations do so more often in response to life changes such as relocation or marriage, or because of dislikes about institutions or practices.
While 56 percent of US adults remain in their childhood faith, 16 percent left, joined another house of worship at least once, and then returned to their original fold.
Of those raised Protestant, 80 percent remain so, with 52 percent still in their childhood denomination. Twenty-eight percent have moved to another Protestant following, 13 percent are now unaffiliated, 3 percent have become Catholic, and 4 percent joined other faiths.
Of those raised Catholic, 68 percent remain in the faith, 15 percent are now Protestant, 14 percent unaffiliated, and 3 percent in other faiths.

...

[itchiemayer]

chaim1 - don't belittle this woman. IY"H she will want to come back to the orthodox fold eventually, although likely not Chasidic. If frum people belittle her, then all the moreso she will believe she has done the right thing. Frankly, I can understand how she felt confined by the environment in which she was raised. Some children are more curious than others, and eventually she may very well come to believe that the pork and the bars aren't so good after all. If she does, we should welcome her with open arms. If she does not, we should still have some compassion for her. I don't approve of what she has done, but I do have compassion for her.

[chaim1]

To harold
She hasnt switched religions. She has dropped religion altogether.

[MIkal W. Grass]

Can't wait to read the other hateful posts from the haters from the same ilk as Chaim 1.

[PulpitRabbi]

No English books? I have plenty of hasids in my extended family, who span the entire gamut of the various "sects," and few if any would prohibit Eglish books, especially to girls. Had she said she could only read Artscroll, Feldheim and Der Yid, then hers would be a more common story, but as she describes it, it is a very rare occurrence.

[WoolSilkCotton]

Real Joe, Chaim1, Harold- go ahead boys, keep your heads in the sand, where they belong.

[effie]

It's hilarious to see the usual suspects go nuts in the comments.

Bartley: The story says she grew up in Brooklyn and attends college in the US.

Sarah Lawrence is a very expensive school running about $45k a year in tuition and fees alone. With room and board, that is tens of thousands more dollars. So, it is curious how she is paying for it.

[harold]

To harold
She hasnt switched religions. She has dropped religion altogether

There is more to the story. Mr Rosenberg dislikes when entire articles are quoted. I will include some more of the above article that discusses the leaving of religions;

....
As several polls have shown, the "unaffiliated" is the fastest growing group in the past two decades. Yet the Pew survey shows this group to be very diverse, and often serving as a way station for many still seeking a religion.

While about 40 percent in this group say they don't believe in God, another 40 percent say religion is somewhat important in their lives, and roughly one-third say they just haven't found the right religion yet.

"We do not see a kind of principled, fundamental rejection of a religious worldview," says Greg Smith, a Pew researcher.

At the same time, 55 percent say they became unaffiliated because they found religious people hypocritical and judgmental. Many view religion as too focused on rules and not enough on spirituality.

For Candace Talmadge, a writer from Texas who grew up in a mixed-faith family, an unhappy experience in Sunday school set her on a path away from regular church attendance.

"When a little girl has a Jewish grandparent and the teacher says Jews are going to hell, it's not conducive to a sense of belonging," Ms. Talmadge explains. She stopped going to church as soon as she could and eventually found her own spiritual path.

[WoolSilkCotton]

Joe, Chaim1, Harold, hide! Did a crack of light shine through into your caves? Avert your gaze! Remain in the dark. Cower.
Keep telling yourselves how awful this girl is, and how she will soon beg to be taken back into the fold.

Only problem for you cavemen is, she is light years ahead of you in thought, speech, and action. Go talk amongst your buddies about how awful mixed dancing is. And stay away from the public library.

[ユダヤ人]

This is from Deborah Feldman's own Blog:
http://exhasid.blogspot.com

I am Satmar

"From the start, it was clear that I was different. I spent much of my childhood struggling to conform, but there was a secret ingredient to conformity that I couldn’t quite figure out. Perhaps my parents held me back; family is everything in the community and my family always seemed to be in tatters. I learned at a young age that my mentally retarded, socially inept father, who purchased Klein’s kosher ice cream cones for me from the corner grocery store, was an outcast; to survive I had to reject him. My mother, imported from London to be my father’s bride because no one else would take him, spoke a poorly-accented Yiddish, and was brassy and unfeminine. She was also smart, and the match was doomed from the start. My parents fought constantly, and they eventually divorced, a scandalous break that would permanently tarnish my standing. My mother quickly left Williamsburg, a place that had never welcomed her, leaving me in the custody of my paternal grandparents. Later I would discover that although her unhappy marriage and misfit status had certainly factored into her decision to leave, ultimately it was her undeniable homosexuality that had forced her out. Even though Hasidic law books only condemn gay activity between men, any kind of open sexual deviance could never be tolerated in a place where the presence of normal sexuality was seen as a threat."

[OMG]

Itchiemayer;
The truth is that each individual who left the fold, he/she, has a personnel story, what gave him the fortitude to move on, as a young adult you know, that if you take that first step, that it will never be the same. They story might sound the same but each and everyone made a calculated decision, that leaving would be best for them. From my personal story, I could attest that not everyone looks to come back to the orthodox lifestyle, as a matter of fact; I am well situated and happy with what I have accomplished. However, I could say that I did found myself having a great deal in common with Conservative Judaism ideals.

[Mr. Apikoros]

How did Deborah Feldman pay for her education at Sarah Lawrence?

Ever hear of scholarships? Student loans?

[chaim1]

She may not want to come back to orthodoxy but she will want to come back to the people she knows.
She will tire of being a whore or whatever she portrays herself in her book. Living on the state even in the UK is not a gold mine. She has a child to support, who will grow up eventually. What kind of a life will he lead with such a mother. i am not referring to religion. Her own mother doesnt seem to have done her proud either.

[Maskil]

Thanks Shmarya, this is certainly the best article I have ever read by or about someone leaving Orthodoxy. There is no moral justification for leaving and no sense of need to assign blame or criticize what she abandoned. Just a real and very objective telling of how it is.

[I just hope that her custody of her child was acquired by legal means and that she did not kidnap him from his father. The criminality of such an act, and the inflicted damage would outway any and all privelages she provides him in life.]

To harold: We are not a religion, we are a nation. A nation with a constitution that has an underlying thosophical premise, and thousands of years of legistlation and legistative evolution without compromising our constitution. It was the Reform movement in 1885 that declared in their Pittsburgh Platform "we are no longer a nation but a religious community." Your words have alligned you with Reform, with whom you have been misled to share a world view.

[chaim1]

http://www.hasidic-feminist.blogspot.com/

she is not short of blogs. Not sure what youre talking about maskil or that you even know yourself. Of course we are a nation. But a nation that was chosen by god from all the others. And it wasnt to have to bring up such kind of women.
It is true that the satmar idea of imagining these 'things' dont exist in the world is not a good idea because once one gets exposed to them one doesnt know how to handle them. Girls in particular in satmar who are taught nothing at all except how to open chickens and how to wear thick stockings they are the most vulnerable. They have to realise that it was good in the shtetl. today they also have to be taught that these things to exist and how to combat them.

[Forty Eighter]

I never ceases to amaze me how every rebel who has rejected her community and heritage resent the fact that her former community ostracizes her. The truth is that these people are rarely actually shunned. It is simply that they are uncomfortable facing their past and hence feel shunned. I, as all hasids, have the free will to walk in to McDonalds on Yom Kippur and order a double BLT and down it. There is nobody preventing me from doing this. It would by silly of me to expect my former community not to react to that negatively.

I say, if she wants to be a shigsa let her. But I don't see why she can't leave all the rest of us alone. We are happy to stay behind and don't need lecturing from someone who couldnt handle it and chose to bail.

[Maskil]

chaim1,

She didn't say our nation was chosen to allow for her behavior, she just tells the story as it happened, no justification. I never suggested differently, our constitution has an underlying theosophical premise which precludes behavior such as hers. But we are a nation, not a religion - that idea is a concept (or perhaps even a precept) of Reform, when they declared themselves unshackled by the restrictions and obligations of our nationality and declared a new status as a religion, which was a form of liberation from our national duties and constraints.

Not being a member of the Reform ideology, I do not accept the "Jewish Religion" concept, and as such I disagree with any claim that she switched from one religion to another or that she dropped religion altogether. She was a Jew, she is a Jew. She wasn't observant, she isn't observant. She was Satmar, now she isn't - that did change - and she used to observe more Judean laws and violate fewer and now she observes fewer and violated more. But to resort to terminology of religious affiliation is strictly a concept conceived by the Reform movement and ratified in 1885.

[assist]

Many of the posters here make her first point Black or White.

[chaim1]

To frum girl.,
i dont know why you want to buy the book you can read it for free on her blog.
i suppose before one condemns her one should really read it.
In the newspaper interview because she is trying to sell her book she comes across much more sensational. It seems she had a very hard life being beaten by her husband etc. and as usual the rabbis siding with him although its against jewish law.
These so called rabbis are really to blame for her leaving the fold. Apart from molesters there are many more wife beaters in our community, and the rabbis know all about it, women are not shy to tell them but they do nothing about it.

[Devorah]

I hope her book turns into a movie and all the frummies can learn a lesson from her about how to finally break the chains of oppression.

Good luck, Deborah, from Devorah.

[IH]

The comments all miss the most obvious point: when one lives life in moderation (e.g. the way Modern Orthodox used to be before the Chumra-of-the-week cult took over) then there is little need for radical rebellion.

The "problem" was never with this woman; it was with her parents and grandparents (and the community who egged them on) who now need to sleep in the bed they made.

Hopefully they will find a way to accept their daughter for who she is; perhaps they already have and we'll find out when the book is published.

[Mr. Apikoros]

Maskil:

Did anyone, other than your stinking self, claim that Deborah Feldman kidnapped her son? Are there warrants out for her arrest? In short, got any proof?

Just when I thought that frumbags like Harold and Chaim1 have reached the bottom of the Yiddische barrel, you've come along to prove that there's still room to descend.

[Mr. Apikoros]

By the way, Maskil, my maternal grandmother OBM did the same thing back in 1906, age 16. Ran away from her tyrannical Litvak Haredi father in Belarus, and took the next ship to the USA.

BTW, we living in the USA are indeed part of a nation, the greatest on earth.

[effie]

How did Deborah Feldman pay for her education at Sarah Lawrence?

Ever hear of scholarships? Student loans?

Posted by: Mr. Apikoros

Been there; done that. It is still extremely difficult.

[IH]

This blog entry of hers opens a window into unimaginable pain:

http://www.deborahfeldman.com/blog/my-vagina-monologue

I'd be interested in hearing Harold and Chaim's wife/daughter/mother reaction. How about it gents?

[harold]

Joe, Chaim1, Harold, hide! Did a crack of light shine through into your caves? Avert your gaze! Remain in the dark. Cower.
Keep telling yourselves how awful this girl is, and how she will soon beg to be taken back into the fold

I never implied that she will return. If anything what I said was that in the current environment it is natural for a segment to leave the religion that they were born into and go to another religion or to leave never to return to any. The numbers that studies show imply that there should be no shock if someone leaves – certainly not to merit a news story. I will however say that for a Chassid to leave probably is rarer than others I guess that is why Mr. Rosenberg decided that it merited a story.

[Chicago Sam]

John Stuart Mill would be proud of this young woman. Someday I hope she rediscovers a healthy Judaism that will never bow down to the autocracy of Haredi power and its discontents.

[itchiemayer]

Windy City Samson is back!

[Reb Yid]

Pork isn't that big a deal once you get used to it; it's hard to understand why it evokes such repulsion in the Hasidic community.

Hard to understand??

[Yoel Mechanic]

This idea of keeping kids frum by isolation and restriction seems like a social model that has outlived it usefulness. Now it may actually do more harm than good. Maybe there was real wisdom in Rabbi Hirsch. He is historically interesting. We need such thinkers for today. Past guides can help, but by definition can only be guides. One bright star is Rabbi Slifkin. There are some others, perhaps check out Rabbi Gil Student. Rabbi Berel Wein is interesting. So who else are candidates with new thinking for the new problems of today? One interesting fellow who was supposed to provide a breath of fresh air was Rabbi Boteach. I know some who had high expectations in him. Who else should we be looking at, and who else should we be reading?

[Radical Feminist]

How did Deborah Feldman pay for her education at Sarah Lawrence?

It can be done. You set up a meeting with the student loan people. You start filing for your grants and scholarships a year in advance. You apply for numerous additional scholarships and grants while attending and then you apply for economic hardship and defer the loans as long as you can. I did it with no help from my family.
I now owe 300 thousand in student loans for my doctorate, but it was worth it.

[moom]

IH - I read this piece and am puzzled. How can one have periods and not know one has a vagina? How did she think all the pregnant women around her gave birth to babies? Or never thought about it?

[anuran]

YM, ultimately it won't work. It's already breaking down. The only way to plaster over the growing cracks is with more xenophobia, more ignorance of anything outside the community, more restrictions, tighter control over all aspects of life and ever-more external enemies.

Unfortunately for the subculture it isn't working anymore. In order to make a living or even live one has to come in contact with more outsiders and unauthorized information.

Rabbi Slifkin is indeed a bright start. And you see how venomously he was eclipsed by the Tallitban. Being a little bit open to science and philosophy is like being a little bit pregnant to that sort.

[chaim1]

to moom
of course she is a liar.
She went to the library read all the books and then claims to know nothing.
Wasnt she told to make 'bedikos' and why, before her wedding and mikva.
If she wasnt told why then i dont think her dip in the mikva is kosher.
I am told this has happened in satmar and the rabbis had to postpone the wedding.
Having read all the books would she just take any husband?
But i dare say she is a very good and convincing one.
To radical i am not sure how you identify with her. If you are from the same background. But i hope you dont end up like her.

[Bassy the Haredi Slayer]

Sarah Lawrence is a very expensive school running about $45k a year in tuition and fees alone. With room and board, that is tens of thousands more dollars. So, it is curious how she is paying for it.

SLC has a program called Upward Bound which helps poor students from bad environments ( and Satmar for sure is bad environment) go to college. She probably was accepted to that program.

I am surprised that growing up Satmar she was not raped by her father, her uncle, her neighbor Etc, as it is the common practice in Satmar communities.

She is one lucky girl

[chaim1]

"""One bright star is Rabbi Slifkin. There are some others, perhaps check out Rabbi Gil Student. Rabbi Berel Wein is interesting. So who else are candidates with new thinking for the new problems of today?
You missed out a rabbi steve."""
These are all on hirhurim with very long winded posts. where the comment posters say all the time they have no idea what they are on about. How can you compare them to the tsaddik SRH. He was accepted by all even the chasam sofer. These rabbis are accepted by no one. Their main point of view is that the talmud and all later Jewish works were influenced by the times. It is true that some 'gzeiros' were made because of that, but not the way they think that the whole torah. So they want to copy them and also adapt the Torah to todays times. Although they call themselves modern orthodox they are really on the verge of reform. Even the early reformists were closer to authentic judaism than them.

[chaim1]

""""I am surprised that growing up Satmar she was not raped by her father, her uncle, her neighbor Etc, as it is the common practice in Satmar communities.

She is one lucky girl """"

No it isnt common and you know it.
She a satmar girl who ought to know better than you also doesnt claim that

[Nobody]

". These rabbis are accepted by no one. Their main point of view is that"

How can you claim to know their "main point of view" or any of their views if you haven't read what they write? Aside from that fact that you don't have an expertise in Judaism in the first place to judge their writings. Don't be a buffoon and start labeling and name-calling against people greater than you. Obviously they are accepted by many people, and these people are reading what they have to say.

[chaim1]

I have read what they write and what others have written about them.
On this blog R Orlovsky had plenty to say.
I mentioned hirhurim you can read it all there.
Slifkin's blog is moderated and will never put anything up against him. He is scared to debate anything. Doesnt say much about his great scholarship.
On that alone he ought to be banned!
What name did i call them. i am not into that sort of thing. i debate and listen to other's points of view something you cant do.

i have explained here what they stand for if its not true SAY SO and tell me what then.

Yes of course they're reading what they have to say but dont understand a word of it. read hirhurim.

Your name 'nobody' fits you well.

I wrote a post on hirhurim that they are trying to push jews nearer to reform like saint paul the tsaddik and hope they will one day get there.

[critical_minyan]

i know her personally, nice woman. also kinda hot. her stories are incredible and scandalous. equally scandalous, is how she borrowed my wife's macbook charger but has yet to return it.

[Alter Kocker]

Chaim1:
How dare you call this woman a whore. Just like all of you chareidi males. If a woman doesn't act as you want, she is immediately a whore. My sincere wish for all of you smelly black hatted cave dwellers is for all of your women to find the courage to explore the world at large and decide for themselves that they are no more than chattel in your repressive and backward world. I wish that all of them find a world of literature, art, and knowledge beyond their cloister. All you have in store for them CHAIM1 is marriage, childbirth, servitude and ignorance. All of the ingredients necessary to keep them as little more than slaves. Of course this article angers you, as it pokes some light into the darkness that you desire, that keeps your distorted version of Judaism alive.

[Moshe aron kestenbaum, Williamsburg ODA]

No one is to blame here for feldman.she just didnt fit in , the kid nebach lipped and lost her neshoma. nebach her mother and father that nebach lost her child. This poor little neshoma; only tears right now, i feel awful for the family. ...

[Mr. Apikoros]

Seems to me this young woman is doing pretty well, about to graduate from one of the best colleges in the country.

If she remained in the satanic cult of Satmar she would have been condemned to a life of physical, financial, intellectual, and moral poverty.

[Yoel Mechanic]

Chaim: I mentioned SRH. Then was wondering who is around today to fill that role. I mentioned some of the *candidates*. I am glad to hear you discussing this topic because *this* is a far more important topic than chit chat about various personal issues that come up on this blog. I agree that the candidates I mention don't really seem to have the stature... but that was all I could think of (they are hardly on the verge of reform however. They are all very serious frum Yidden, and well educated by today's standards). So you have anything positive to say ? Is there a SRH of today? That is what we need.

[chaim1]

""""they are hardly on the verge of reform however""""

well we differ. all the original reformists started the same way.

One has to fit the Torah with the times.
The gemoro was influenced by the times.

and i wish them luck the quicker they get there (to there ultimate destination) the better.

[Moshe aron kestenbaum, Williamsburg ODA]

I am not against girls driving or reading books or women dressing modern, etc. what I am against is how she disparges or thinks that williamsburg is inferior. I live in williamsburg and I dare anyone to show me the unequally of women here, actually you walk down Lee ave on any given day and its a Fashion show.Of course you have your dishelved, but dont you have that in any other community as well? Show me where in williamsburg women are degraded or dishonord. Feldman had a unhappy home and a unhappy marriage, thats all that it is . Feldman is wrong by putting the entire williamsburg frum community in a black light

[IH]

Again: I would be interested in the honest views of the females in Harold, Chaim (and now Moshe Aron's) families. Gents?

[Mr. Apikoros]

What we need are a thousand more Deborah Feldmans removing the yoke of Hasidism from around their necks.

That would just be a start.

[critical_minyan]

deborah feldman is the exception not the rule. most people that leave satmar, especially the women, come from families where the families are dysfunctional.
at the end of the day, people can live with almost any wacky religious belief if they have love and support from their family.

[Jeff]

What we need are a thousand more Deborah Feldmans removing the yoke of Hasidism from around their necks.

"Speedily and in our days... "

[Moshe aron kestenbaum, Williamsburg ODA]

What we need are a thousand more Deborah Feldmans removing the yoke of Hasidism from around their necks. THIS IS BULL SHIT . no one is forced , no one has a yoke on the neck. its only a family that is dysfunctional.

[Yosef ben Matitya]

chai beseryet she has this really troubling negative attitude I mean the second something doesn't go good for her in the secular world who knows what shes going to do next

not easy to stare at the mirror, heh?

[WoolSilkCotton]

All of Satmar are dysfunctional a-holes and perverts.

[critical_minyan]

WSC, most Satmar are fine people. Some are perverts, because of all the rules they live under, but I wouldn't say that they are all perverts. That, my friend, is bigotry.

[WoolSilkCotton]

++I am not against girls driving or reading books or women dressing modern++

Wow! Kestenbaum, you are a really liberal guy.

++walk down Lee ave on any given day and its a Fashion show++

A fashion show from the 1910's.

[Alter Kocker]

What one objects to in all of this is that Ms Feldman was a member,not of religion, but a cult that has twisted religion into the yoke around the neck of all of its followers. Women, in particular, are subjected to humiliations that, due to the cloistered and repressive nature of the cult, they are totally unaware. The cult shows its stranglehold when its members are confronted with the lifestyle of non-members and they look-on with awe and wonder, believing, falsely that the alternate lifestyle is the work of the devil. Reading, media, art, news-these simple things that are day-to-day existence outside of the cult are denied to the membership. If these women were in the third world, there would be rescue missions mounted to free them from the slavery.

The repression is necessary to keep the membership in the cult. The superstition that exposure to the outside world results in a soul condemned to perdition keeps the ignorant membership in line. This in short is mind-control and mental abuse.

[Cheskel]

""All of Satmar are dysfunctional a-holes and perverts."""

It takes a pervert and a child molester to have twisted views as you have.
Is there anything good you can say on frum yidden besides that they are fraudsters,molesters,filthy etc the usual diatribe you engage?
Not that they need a good word from you. But have you ever thought how low you sunk to have views as you have?
You must of done something extremely terrible in you're miserable life that you should be punished to have the thinking that you have.

[Jeff]

WSC, most Satmar are fine people.

Really? They teach their children that the frei yidden will burn in gehinnom for all eternity. Not that the other sects don't do the same - Chabad appears to be the only exception (and I'm not even sure about all of it) - but the Satmars seem to emphasize it.

[randomthought]

Jeff, don't you think if we reduced a subset of secular culture we could also misrepresent the culture as a whole?

[A E ANDERSON]

So, the Sarah Lawrence shiksas bought this Stamford Hill sob story HOOK, LINE and SINKER! O, you poor, oppressed Jewish girl. O, those evil males with their appendages. O tempore, O mores!

You've come a long way, baby. Just a little more and you can sit on my face and get the clitoridectomy you so richly deserve! {CHOMP}

[seymour]

No one is to blame here for feldman.she just didnt fit in , the kid nebach lipped and lost her neshoma. nebach her mother and father that nebach lost her child. This poor little neshoma; only tears right now, i feel awful for the family. ...

Posted by: Moshe aron kestenbaum, Williamsburg ODA | August 30, 2010 at 08:35 AM

lost her neshoma? she gaining a neshoma, a neshoma called independent thinking

[randomthought]

The great part about independent thinking is that everyone thinks alike, independently.

[Reader]

A.E. Anderson,
You are FUNNY.

[Abracadabra]

at the end of the day, people can live with almost any wacky religious belief if they have love and support from their family.

Critical Minyan - Excellent point. That is why so many do not leave the folds of crazy cults around the world. It's pretty sad.

[Abracadabra]

IH -

Someone I know used to give kallah classes to Bais Yaakov girls and reported similar experiences where the girls were completely unaware of their anatomy, and utterly shocked at the information they were being taught.

And to someone who asked - a girl getting her period just bleeds a lot in a general area. Unless she is using a tampon, instead of a maxipad, there is no reason she has to know the specifics of her anatomy.

I'm not sure about other essays Deborah wrote, but what she described regarding this issue is completely believable. In yeshivish culture the kallah lessons are taught well in advance of the wedding, but in Deborah's case it was only taught to her the day before. I guess that's what they do in Satmar. Poor girls. They certainly deserve a little more time to deal with the new and shocking information they're learning.

[Jeff]

Jeff, don't you think if we reduced a subset of secular culture we could also misrepresent the culture as a whole?

That doesn't begin to address my statement. Would you say the same if I'd made the same accusation against Muslim extremists?

And I don't even see how it's misrepresenting them. They think we're going to hell. That, for me, is the line of demarcation. I don't put up with it from Christians and Muslims, and I won't put up with it from Jews. I don't care how many baskets of kosher food they bring to people in the hospital - "Here, frei yidden, eat up - you'll burn that much more brightly in gehinnom!"

As Shmarya so often says, "Please."

[Friar Yid]

One day she will beg to be taken back. They all do.

Right, just like all those Haskalah folks who came running back to the Yeshiva Velt in the late 1800s.

Oh wait.

[anon]

TO Chaim1-where in the article does it say she was beaten by her husband?

[aaron]

The community should be happy that she's writing about this, because it identifies problems that can be addressed and fixed rather than covered up. Exposing and solving problems is very good for improving the lives of people in the community.

[Shmaser]

chaim1 You most be a real smart guy!! i Know her and her family personally, and i still am close to her and talk to her all the time, and i must say YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!! yes she does come from a broken family, her father is mentally ill, her mother did the same she is doing now so she was left alone on the water, she told me out right that all she is doing is because she wants to prove to herself and to her chasidisheh (HASID) family that she can do what ever she wants. She told me that the hole reason for the book is, because it hurts her deep inside about being so so far and she hopes that this farther her from this hole Jewish living style for good.

[chimmichurri]

CHOOSE TO AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH HER, BUT ANYONE WHO DID KNOW HER,AS I DO, CAN ATTEST THAT HER WRITING IS MOSTLY LIES, CREATIVELY WRITTEN.

HERE ARE SOME FACTS:
SHE WORE LIPSTICK,
DROVE A CAR
KNEW HOW BABIES ARE BORN FROM AGE 7,
AND LEFT HOME YEARS BEFORE HER PARENTS GOT DIVORCED BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T GET ALONG...WITH ANYONE

[Dovy]

>SHE WORE LIPSTICK,
DROVE A CAR<

Oh, the horror!

[Kathryn]

This woman has written a book of lies. Her husband knew she was writing it. He supported her. She got caught up in the lies. I hope S&S publishes it as fiction

[Sara]

Such a shame. My heart breaks to think of her struggling alone and feeling so lost, when Judaism embraces so much of what she viewed as "forbidden temptations" - reading, education, philosophy. Would this (clearly intelligent, ambitious, and determined) woman have felt so driven to abandon her heritage if she would have been encouraged to enjoy her Alcott while exploring the extensive works of Maimonides, the rhetoric of Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, the corpus of thousands of years' worth of Jewish thought and philosophy? Would she have fled from Judaism had her intelligence been stoked and guided, encouraged and coaxed along to full flame? Yiddishkeit is not about being stifled; it is about flowering forth, achieving new levels of spiritual and intellectual satisfaction, regardless of gender. I've been a typical "Bais Yaakov" girl since birth, raised in one of the major religious epicenters, and this glass ceiling Feldman posits has absolutely no place in Jewish life. Books like this - especially in the hands of talent such as hers, as seems to be indicated by the promo work I've seen - just makes me sad.

[Drez]

You put a big smile on my face :) Thank you for sharing your story.

[Susan]

My sister is an an arranged marriage in her Hasidic "cult"in West Los Angeles. We weren't raised that way, very secular.

He husband is from a Beverly Hills level famous musical family, and is educated through Law School. He hasn't worked in their marriage, having been focused on all this craziness call Hasidic Life. He had a trust and proceeds from his late parent's Beverly Hills home and so forth.

They have taken money, a car, and so forth from my not very well off parents, as the kids have been in Orthodox Day School. The son and daughter in a gender only school. The kids hate their father, and my sister is just as nutty.

Now, my sister has decided enough is enough. They house went into foreclosure, sold, and believe it or not, there were proceeds. He takes off and is in escrow on a home for himself. (I assume cash) and my sister and the kids are HOMELESS living with my elderly mother in a 1 bdrm apt.

Come to find out my twit sister (cult idiot) is sending her daughter to Israel for a year, and her son an her are HOMELESS.

Did someone take an ice cream scoop and scoop out my sister's brain?

I am married to a man who agrees with me, skip the retailer (religion) and just deal with the wholesaler God. My husband is of Irish decent.

As we say about the Hasidic sister and BIL
"The rocks in his head, fit the holes in hers".

The kids have had a hard life. I believe my niece (18 yo) is going to Israel to get away from the chaos.

When you deal in a cult, bad "chit" happens.

[susan]

An add on from Susan:

I find it just morally incomprehensible that my twit sister has money to send her daughter to Israel, yet her elderly mother has to sleep on a recliner chair in an apt she pays for monthly, while my sister and my neice sleep in her bed in the bedroom.My nephew sleeps on the couch.
My mother says the 3 are pigs.

My mother enables my sister. I told her to kick her behind out. Having money for her own apt is more important than a want, not need trip to Israel.

Hasidic Life takes all objectivity away from its followers. They are another form of Scientology to me. My sister use to be in EST.

These religious cults are dangerous, period.

[Susan]

niece (sp correction)

The more I stew over this (as I work) the more I want to slap my BIL and Twit Sister upside the head. Their brains are rattling and are disconnected.

They drained my parents dry, and now my Mother's (survivorship settlement) saving is probably almost gone as well.

Instead of so much rituals and BS, those two need to provide for their children, including a place for them to call home.

Freak'in sick situations. Those two don't know about God. They are both BS Artists, and so is that sick cult.