Crime Pays With Free Kosher Pizza: Jack Abramoff Out Of Jail, Working In Pizza Shop

Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff spent 43 months in prison thanks to his unbelievable network of congressional corruption. And now he's got a "fresh start" at a kosher pizza restaurant in Baltimore.

 

Phil Jacobs of the Baltimore Jewish Times reports:

Jack Abramoff was serving time in Western Maryland.

Now, he’ll be serving pizza in Baltimore.

Well, sort of.

Abramoff, 51, is a Capitol Hill lobbyist and businessman who pled guilty in 2006 to felony counts related to his lobbying and political activities.

That is all behind him now.

Through the good graces of Tov Pizza, which has served this community for more than 26 years, Abramoff will begin to rebuild his life.

Out of a halfway house, he now works with Tov owner Ron Rosenbluth in almost all areas of the restaurant business, with perhaps a focus on marketing strategies. Abramoff was owner of a kosher restaurant in Washington, D.C., and has experience in the kosher food industry.…

He served some 43 months in prison. According to one of the Jewish former inmates at the prison, during his incarceration Abramoff gave shirum, or Torah lectures, to the Jewish inmates on an almost daily basis. He focused on Nach, Halachah (Jewish law) and the weekly Torah portion.  He also taught an introduction to davening course.

The other Jews incarcerated with Abramoff at Cumberland included several Orthodox Jews and other members of the broader Jewish community.…[continue reading]

Menu: Gawker.

[Hat Tip: Dr. Rofeh-Filosof.]

Comments

[Yochanan Lavie]

I'll take 2 slices and a diet coke.

[Jason]

Hopefully Jack's experience in jail changed him and he can now dedicate his life to helping others and sanctifying God's name instead of desecrating it.

At the risk of giving encouragement to Rubashkin supporters, I will say that if the penalties for public corruption were written by anyone besides corrupt politicians (as they are now), Abramoff would have served a lot longer than 3.5 yrs of a ridiculously short 6 year sentence. 27 years sounds about right for this guy and the damage he caused.

[WoolSilkCotton]

In the year 2037 I can look forward to Sholom Mordecai serving up slices at the Kingston Avenue Pizza Shop in Crown Heights.

[Yochanan Lavie]

WSC: SMR would probably work in a fleishig restaurant.

[effie]

Abramoff received a low sentence because he pled guilty and cooperated.

[Tony Manicotti]

I prefer Italian pizza.

[alternative childcare]

Tony, the Italian pizza shops have their own ex-cons to hire.

[Catcher50]

Yochanan, much as I love your song parodies, you need to be more consistent. 2 slices and a DIET Coke!

[danny]

Can anyone explain to this chiloni how a cheesesteak can appear on a Kosher menu?

Even if it uses fake/pareve cheese, isn't it still mocking G-d.

[WoolSilkCotton]

Danny, good spot!
Since it's a dairy establishment, does that mean the meat is fake? Or is the kosher certification fake?
And why does a dairy establishment need 'specials' during the 9 days?

[Catcher50]

The "meat" is fake. Although, there would be an interesting question as to essence of concept. For instance, my brother would never eat Beef Strips & Eggs, because they were a way to pretend that you were having bacon and eggs.

[WoolSilkCotton]

Catcher50, I agree. I have always found it repugnant to eat fake bacon, crab, etc.
I appreciate modern industry making kashrus easier and more enjoyable, but what's the big deal about the taste of these items?

I see nothing appealing from these foods, and don't crave them. If my nonJewish friends enjoy them, that's great.
Religious Jews who think they are getting away with something will be disappointed.

i'm ok with Farina and eggs for breakfast.

[Yochanan Lavie]

Catcher: The Nutrasweet in the diet coke kills all calories ;)

[A E ANDERSON]

CAN CROSS-DRESSING BRING THE MESSIAH?

One of the glatt kosher small goods manufacturers in Melbourne, Australia makes "Facon," a apparent bacon substitute, out of veal. In fact, their use of veal (Aussie veal is darker and more mature than anaemic US veal) in their range of butchery small goods make for some very convincing pork substitutes, especially in terms of texture and mouth feel. It's under a Gutnick's hashgacha, and most of the Lubavs I know seem to eat it (http://www.ckb.com.au/products_smallGoods.html) without a quibble.

The idea of pretending to perform an issur while not actually doing so seems fascinating. Does this person not eat the beef strips and eggs out of a fear of Morris Eyin, that fellow who always seems to think we're sinning when doing something similar but legit?

Does that mean role playing during haredi sex is out.... I mean, if some of the guys denounced here would have their wives dress as yeshiva boys, in Yentle style, and shuckle during תשמיש, they'd have a kosher outlet for their, um, predilections and all would be fine and good. They could even sell yeshiva boy outfits and facial peach fuzz in the lingerie shops alongside the slutty nurse and schoolgirl uniforms.

It would certainly be more constructive if these guys learned to play out their fantasies with their wives in drag rather than bugger, sodomise or fondle actual little boys. Of course, they'd have to take the wives off the cholent and babkes, because only painfully thin adult women could pass as schoolboys, though skilful strapping down should help for all but the biggest of the big'uns. And I think all but the most dense will figure out what to do with the strap-on, shmaltz or K-Y being an option.

I think this is a brilliant modest proposal! It wouldn't be too much of a sacrifice to ask a haredi housewife, to keep her loved one from a life of disrepute and likely jail, and to keep their breadwinner at home, safe, out of trouble, and off the sex offenders register.

It really is a win-win situation the more you think about it. Not only does the chazir avoid the sins of homosexuality and child abuse, but at the same time he gets to perform the positive precept of "Be Fruitful and Multiply," and comply with his ketubic requirement of pleasuring the missus.

There would reverberate economic benefits for the larger community, as well. If the idea caught on, there'd be an aftermarket for other bet midrash themed bedroom accessories: padded/wipe-off shtenders, vibrating Yads, hagbah stools, personal spa mikvahs. Established mikvas could book out couple's nights, petel or gazoz included.

The perversion of pederasty, then, would be transformed (התהפכת זדונות לזכויות) from the realm of the קליפות תמאות לגמרי into pure holiness in the classic fashion described in the Tanya. The עבודה of חב'ד דווקא (with a little help from our friends Isaac Luria and Moshe Cordovero, as usual) would be the very solution to what they are accused of causing and perpetuating!

Then the world will attain some lofty spiritual level [insert Zoharic phrase] and the Aybishter will do this or that, thereby bringing the revelation of divine kinship below 10 cubits, with the revelation MAMASH of our righteous redeemer when the Haldol wears off, aw-mein, yawn, Yechi!

[lively niggun as Mountain Dew break commences]

[A E ANDERSON]

Oops, I meant טמאות not תמאות.

[Nobody]

He served his time.

You want to put him to death? Who are you? Life goes on.

[WoolSilkCotton]

++A E ANDERSON | Miami, Fla. | June 23, 2010 at 01:28 PM++

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[althelion]

A E ANDERSON | Miami, Fla said:

"shmaltz or K-Y being an option."

I know shmaltz is fleshig and I believe that K-Y is parve. Is this what Boteach meant by "Kosher Sex?"

[Bill]

Anderson,

that was brilliant.

[Abracadabra]

A E Anderson -

Faigy, I don't know how to tell you this... it's hard to explain... but... I... er... um... Faigy - I'm a Faigele!"

[Abracadabra]

Next, Abrahamoff can open up his OWN Kosher Pizza Shop!

Specials can include:

Buy 2 Slices of Corruption Advice & Get a Free Side Order of Political Manuvering

Buy 2 Pies & Get the Fraud Topping of Your Choice Free

We Serve Up French Fried Fraud In All Your Favorite Flavors, & Conspiracy Ketchup To Top It Off

Cash Accepted Only Under-The-Table