Letter from Jerusalem: No Secrets

The State, the halacha and the public all expect the mother to build a whole world of lies around her child in order to save him from the stigma of mamzerut (bastardy). But what about the child's best interests?

No secrets
The State, the Halacha and the public all expect the mother to build a whole world of lies around her child in order to save him from the stigma of mamzerut. And what about the child's best interests?
Rivkah Lubitch • Ynet

Orli got in touch with me by telephone in order to tell me her difficult story: "I am divorced and a single mother. I have a daughter from my ex-husband and a son from another man." "What's the problem?" I wondered to myself. "I became pregnant from the other man while I was married to my husband. I was separated from my husband for about two years before he gave me a get, and in the meantime I met another man and became pregnant from him," Orli told me. The red warning lights began to light up for me.

On the face of things, there's no problem, Orli's dilemma can be resolved. The halacha and the State have joined forces to preserve the child's legitimacy. The halacha adopts the presumption that "most sexual relations are with the husband" and the child is determined to be the son of the ex-husband and not the son of the biological father. The State, on its part, makes sure to register the child in this manner in its formal registries. And in this manner, everything is satisfactorily fixed. The State and the halacha pat themselves on the back. Another child has been saved from the stigma of mamzerut.

But is everything really OK? Not at all. In a long conversation with Orli, the difficult problems with which she and her son have to deal become clear.

The first problem: "Everyone knows that the child isn't my ex-husband's," Orli told me. "I didn't hide my relationship with the other man. People aren't fools." Orli understands that in the future the child might hear rumors in the street or in school that he is not the biological son of her ex-husband. Orli is thinking about moving to another city because of this, in order to cover up her past, to rescue the child from the stigma of mamzerut.

The second problem: The child does not receive child support payments. Orli doesn't dare ask for child support from her ex-husband, because the child is not his. But she also cannot ask for child support from the child's biological father because she'd be disclosing the child's status as a mamzer. "It's a pity," Orli says, "his father is loaded with money and he could have supported the child in a very respectable manner."

"Does he know that he has a child from you?" I asked.

"Yes. He supported me during the pregnancy, and didn't want me to have an abortion, even though he understood the significance," Orli answered, "but he had some problems, was arrested and served time in prison. The relationship between us was cut off."

"What do you live off of now?" I asked.

"I'm not working. I receive less than two thousand shekels in child support from my ex-husband for the older daughter that I have from him. The rest the State pays."

Orli understands that it is preferable to bring up the family in poverty and thus save the boy from the stigma of mamzerut.

The third problem: In fact, the child has no father. He has a father on paper – but who will he call 'Daddy'? No one expects the ex-husband to act as a father to a child who is not his. But on the other hand, Orli cannot nurture the relationship between the biological father (who in any event has disappeared from her life in the meantime) and the child. In attributing the child to Orli's ex-husband, the halacha and the State have caused him to lose his biological father. We agree that there are a lot of children who grow up without fathers. Orli understands that it is preferable for a child to live without a father than to deal with the stigma of mamzerut.

The fourth problem: This is the most difficult one – and with regards to it I do not have any advice: A continuing emotional injury to the child. If the secret is kept – the child grows up as a rejected child. He will ask himself why the man who is registered in his identity card as his father, and who pampers his older sister, estranges himself from him. Why is the father, who has visitation arrangements to meet his sister, is not at all interested in him? And if the secret is not kept and the truth is made known to the child (and it is reasonable that this will happen, for example by the ex-husband) he will have to learn to lie to the world and especially to the marriage registrar.

If the child decides to lie, he lives all his life with a lie and knows that he is a mamzer. If the child decides not to lie – the halacha and the State have gained nothing – and we are back to square one – i.e., the child is recognized by the public as a mamzer.

The State, the halacha and the entire public expect Orli to build an entire world of lies surrounding the unfortunate child in order to save him from the stigma of mamzerut. There are only a few people who understand the terrible price that this child will pay and the fact that in cases in which the woman does not continue to live with her husband – it is almost impossible to hide the secret from the child. The State does not follow up with these children to see if it indeed acted in their best interests.

It seems to me that the time has come to stop talking in a formulaic manner and to stop thinking that we have solved the problem through technical registrations of one kind or another. The time has come to see the reality that exists on the ground, and to try to come up with better solutions regarding this issue.

Rivka Lubitch is a rabbinic pleader who works at the Center for Women’s Justice, Tel: 02-5664390. 

Comments

[Abracadabra]

The Israeli Gov't needs to institute Separation of Religion and State. It is trying to survive as a secular government, but defers to the rabbis (religion) on matters of marriage, divorce, death, and mamzeirus!!??!! How crazy is that?!

And in today's day and age, to have secular kids be "labeled" mamzer by rabbis in the State of Israel, and therefore not be allowed to marry another Jew who is NOT a mamzer - is pure lunacy.

Too bad the State of Israel is not asking me how to run the country. If they would, I'd send all the Chareidim from Meah Shaarim, Geula and B'nei Brak to live on the Gaza, Syrian and Lebanon borders with NO army protection at all. You'd then see how quickly they would all sign up with the army to learn how to shoot a gun and defend themselves!!

And they can then throw their stones at the Arabs and yell "Shabbis" all they want when Arabs drive through their towns on Shabbos! Who knows, the Muslim Brotherhood might actually feel competition with them nearby!

[harold]

It seems to me that the time has come to stop talking in a formulaic manner and to stop thinking that we have solved the problem through technical registrations of one kind or another. The time has come to see the reality that exists on the ground, and to try to come up with better solutions regarding this issue.

"I became pregnant from the other man while I was married to my husband.

...

"Everyone knows that the child isn't my ex-husband's," Orli told me. "I didn't hide my relationship with the other man. People aren't fools."

...

In fact, the child has no father. He has a father on paper – but who will he call 'Daddy'?

...

If the child decides to lie, he lives all his life with a lie and knows that he is a mamzer. If the child decides not to lie – the halacha and the State have gained nothing – and we are back to square one – i.e., the child is recognized by the public as a mamzer.

As they say, if you can't do the time don't do the crime. She made her bed and she must now sleep in it.

A lot of people show no remorse for the wife and family of SMR who are much more of a victim that this women who is reaping the fruits (or in this case weeds) of the seed that she planted.

Once the Genie is let out of the bottle there is little chance of getting him back in. From what she said the State and the halacha did help, but one just can't undo what has been done. As she said "People aren't fools".

As to the solution - as they say, life goes on; she should try to find a caring person to marry who will show love to the two children as equals. This will allow some form of healing and normalcy. The problems are still there, and will always be, but at least most of the day to day living can be done with a sense of normalcy. Also I think she should get a job as soon as possible.

[Isa]

This is NOT a 'heredi' problem.

In this case, the rabbis 'looked' the other way so at least the kid is not labeled 'mamzer' which would have been the WORST of all possible outcomes.

[jay]

Harold, your indifference to the mother is understandable to some degree. However your flippant attitude towards the pain of that child is appalling and reprehensible. If you're so sympathetic to the children of one Jewish convict, you can't ignore the pain of another convict's child.

[Nachum]

Um, it's very sad, but I fail to see how there's any problem with the way Jewish law treats the issue.

[harold]

However your flippant attitude towards the pain of that child is appalling and reprehensible. If you're so sympathetic to the children of one Jewish convict, you can't ignore the pain of another convict's child.

Hence my solution to remarry. The new father being that he has the same relationship to her two children can show equal love to both. The other two men in her life have an un-even relationship each showing favoritism to their own biological child.

Her actions have brought pain to her children and there will always be pain. One must find a way to minimize the pain and my recommendation of remarriage appears to be the only way to minimize it and bring about healing.

There was no flippant attitude towards the pain of the children. My lack of sympathy was directed to the mother, not one ounce against the children who are the true victims. Her actions were irresponsible and she is now suffering the consequences.

[Dr. Dave]

Studies show that apx. 10% of men are raising children they believe to be their own, but are not genetically related to them. (The number is higher in some populations and lower in others).

Perhaps we should have mandatory DNA testing at birth. We have added other chumrot based on technology (micro examination of water and lettuce anyone?)

There may be alot more mamzerim out there than you thought!!

Unfortunately, it is mother and bilogical father who act reprehensibly, but it is the child who would suffer.

[randomthought]

Well a lot of the issue too revolves around what "separation" meant in actuality.

[george]

Wait a second: isn't the issue here that the mom is a tramp: having babies with a guy who's not your husband is the best way to have children grow up in reduced economic circumstances, destroy their sense of self worth, and generally lower moral values.

[R]

This is the problem with the whole get issue and agunot.
But i personally don't think a 2 year seperation is too long a time.
I feel for this child who will grow up with whispering behind his back and the insecurity of not really knowing who his father is and living in poverty.

[effie]

I'm confused. The biological father is loaded. He knew she was pregnant and wanted her to have the child. He went to prison. but apparently he's out and loaded with money. But she cannot ask him for support because she would be " disclosing the child's status as a mamzer."

So help me out here, someone. Why isn't the biological father not giving her money for the support of his own son????? Who is going to know where the money comes from? Why wouldn't the father be concerned about his own son?

[AnotherBT]

This is not a get/agunot issue. A divorce in the US frequently takes about two years.

I agree with Effie, a decent man would be sending money to support his son. Period.

[effie]

AnotherBT: Maybe the father or the family of the father will see this and be embarrassed enough to start supporting the baby...or, not.

[Leibel]

Why didn't she wait to get a get before having a relationship with another guy? Why didn't the husband give her a get immediately? This is a pointless tragedy caused by human stupidity.

[HaNavon]

I'm familiar with the halachos, I'm not familiar with the facts.
First of all, how many state recognized mamzerim are there? Second, what happened to the recognized mamzerim from other countries both currently are from before WWII? We know that the 'Chasam Sofer' was matir a mamzer in Hungary when the woman's husband went to America for several years, and 12 months after the husband left, the woman got pregnant after people knew that she was fooling around. Somehow the Chasam Sofer felt that since the Gemara says that a woman 'can' carry for 12 months, that this is the most likely scenario and was matir the mamzer completely.
The truth is that we only say "rov bi'os holech l'acher ha'baal", that the majority of sexual encounters are from the husband, when they are indeed from the husband, but in cases where the husband is non around, or when the husband is around but she has so many lovers that it is not the husband who is involved with her more than other men, then we do not say this and the pregnancy would be a ;'suffeik mamzer' at very least.
An unknown mamzer (of which there are more than could be counted, due to the backward views on sexuality in the orthodox world, while living simultaneously in a world that has had a sexual revolution) is still not considered a mamzer...
The question here is whether we should try to find ways to fool ourselves into considering this child a kosher Jew or open our eyes to the fact that the child (children in so many cases) are just mamzerim and tell everyone to stay away.
There was a case in Boro Park, Brooklyn some years ago, in which several children from one family were absolutely mamzerim, and the Rabbunim there used eye crossing, head turning and arm twisting logic to come up with a way that the children were kosher.
Personally, I think that we should not do this, because it is a perversion of law and because people will get confused.

[Ahavah]

One, there's no reason the husband couldn't have give her a get immediately. It doesn't have to take two years, it takes about 5 minutes in front of a bet din.

But I have to agree with those who have pointed out that there's nothing stopping the biological father from giving "Charity" to the woman and her children. Friend of the family and all that, you know. He's just a slimeball and she's better off without him. Why would you assume the boy would have a decent relationship with a man who was too much of a putz to even send his mother a check? Obviously, the guy has no moral or ethical sense (hers is another matter). Would you want such a man influencing any of your children?

[Leibel]

While the woman had the affair and mamzer, I do have to blame the husband for not giving her a get. I mean what reason was there for him not to do so?

[Isa]

A Mamzer can only marry other Manzereem.
How long does this Mamzer 'curse' last?"
40 generations

So when this issue comes up, just about everybody will turn a blind eye or lie to prevent someone in getting this status

[randomthought]

I thought that G-d says I believe in Ezekiel that the sins of the parents will no longer be put onto the shoulders of the children, no?

[Friar Yid]

harold- As they say, if you can't do the time don't do the crime. She made her bed and she must now sleep in it.

Yes, and as we all know, the sins of the father shall be visited upon the son. You know, since that's totally his fault for being born and all. Quite compassionate, that God.

And yes, this is another area where Israel should take a hands-off approach. If some groups within Israel are paranoid about their kids marrying mamzerim they can do background checks. There's no reason the state should do the rabbis' dirty work for them. Mamzerim is another imaginary category that does not have any real basis in reality. It is only powerful as long as people continue to pretend it matters.

(Actually, now that I think about it, my grandmother got an annulment before she married my grandfather. If she didn't get a get then for all I know I might be a mamzer. Cool!)

[Dave]

FY, I read something on the internet about the Karaite view on mamzerim. They say that Mamzer meant an inhabitant of a tribe near Israel, not an illegitimate child, and they come up with linguistic analysis of the Tanach to prove this. This is interesting, because in almost other things eg. shabbat, kashrut, taharas hamishpacha, they are almost as frum/ more frum than many Orthodox.
Anyone else heard about this "alternative view" of mamzerim?

[Bill]

Haredim have very poor internal controls against incest and rape.

As such, they should be regarded halachically as safek mamzerim.

[kisarita]

"Studies show that apx. 10% of men are raising children they believe to be their own, but are not genetically related to them."

Actually, since most people don't take DNA tests unless they are already suspicious, what this statistic means is that even of the people who have reason to suspect that the child is not biologically theirs, only 10% of their suspicions turn out to be correct. What this really means is that the vast majority of people are really raising their own children.

[kisarita]

The solution is to foster a relationship with the biological father, and explain to the child that some people will think he his tainted to to being the product of an adulterous union, but those people, although they currently hold the power, are mistaken, and no adultery took place at all, since the marriage was over.
When he grows up, he can marry a non Jew or a non Orthodox woman, outside of Israel.

[kisarita]

I disagree that the stigma of mamzer is worse than fatherlessness. It's all what you make of it.