$1 Million Bar Mitzvah Parties

Have NYC bar mitzvahs gone waaaaaaaaay too far?

Yes, they clearly have:

$1 million parties -- have NYC bar mitzvahs gone too far?
By STEFANIE COHEN • New York Post

The ballroom of the Plaza Hotel had been transformed into a giant amethyst. Just that morning, it had been recarpeted in lavender; purple theatrical lighting glowed from the vaulted ceilings. Towering vases dripping with violet orchids, hydrangea, and roses bloomed on the crystal-covered tables. Two massive posters of a beautiful brunette child with blue-green eyes hung from the ceiling.

Suddenly, the girl herself appeared from behind purple lamé curtains. She was dressed in a cropped circus ringleader jacket -- a duplicate of the one worn by Britney Spears on her "Circus" tour -- a top hat, and fishnet stockings. A troupe of Cirque du Soleil performers surrounded her, and the whole entourage broke into a dance Spears herself would have struggled to pull off.

The crowd of close to 400 erupted into wild cheers. Her mother wiped away tears of joy. The guest of honor had made her Grand Entrance. The party could commence.

It's supposed to be a bar (for boys) or bat (for girls) mitzvah -- a rite of passage in the Jewish tradition in which a child becomes an adult in the eyes of the community, usually on his or her 13th birthday. But in certain circles of New York City and Long Island, these parties seem less like religious celebrations than coronations.

Ryan Sandler, whose Spears-themed blowout was in October, had the best night of her life. And she deserved every second -- and dollar -- of the reportedly six-figure event, said her mom.

"Your child works hard, she studies the Torah for a year," said Liza Sandler, of Old Westbury, LI, "My kids have values, and they appreciate what we give them. I don't care if people judge how I spend my money."

Plus, she said, unapologetically, "It was a pretty amazing party. You didn't know where to look, there was so much happening in the room. There were contortionists on the ceiling, performers walking on stilts -- it was like going to a show."

Ryan's bat mitzvah is just one of thousands thrown in local ballrooms, country clubs, hotel lobbies, galleries, nightclubs, and grand estates each year as the Jewish children of New York come of age.

But some critics say these extravaganzas have gotten too extravagant, not only disconnected from the tradition they're celebrating, but putting too much pressure on families to top each other -- or even bankrupt themselves just getting the right gifts.

"It's called 'Keeping up with the Steins,' " said Rabbi Alan, er, Stein, the cantor of Temple Sinai in Massapequa, LI. "I think some of these families need to concentrate more on the 'mitzvah' and less on the 'bar.' "

"Unfortunately, sometimes people get caught up in the party and don't remember the importance of having a solid Jewish education to pass down to future generations, which is what the day is about."

Cantor Sherwood Goffin, of Lincoln Square Synagogue in Manhattan, was more pointed.

"I think it's a tremendous waste of resources, especially in today's world," he said.

"There's so much poverty in the world and Jewish programming that could be supported."

Sandler's older daughter, Carly, had an even fancier party in 2008.

For Carly's grand entrance, she descended from the ceiling of Cipriani Wall Street harnessed to a wire and dressed in a catsuit.

Then she was serenaded by Jon Bon Jovi for 45 minutes -- to the point where she was rolling her eyes at her mother, wondering when the aging rock star would cede the stage back to her and her girlfriends.

"My husband did well that year and he was proud of himself, and he wanted to throw a huge party," Liza explained.

The stunning blonde was married at the time to mega-wealthy hedge-funder Andrew Sandler. They've since split.

Liza wouldn't disclose her budget for her older daughter's birthday bash, but a source estimated that party ran into seven figures, easily.

But even those who don't go to such lengths certainly don't pinch pennies when it comes to their child's coming-of-age ritual.

The children spend a year, if not more, studying Hebrew, learning prayers, and preparing to read from the Torah. And while the kid is bent over the books, his parents are bent over their checkbooks.

Event planners spend that same year planning the elaborate bashes, which each have to be different from the one the weekend before. Some children and their families will hit three or four such parties a weekend, depending on how many Jewish children they are friends with.

"Some of these kids have 100 friends," said Lynn Silverman of Creative Event Planning in Manhattan. "I have no idea where they all come from."

Families deliberately book their parties for earlier in the school year so they don't have as much competition, sources said.

"Everyone wants to top the bar mitzvah they went to the previous week," said another event planner. "It's insane how competitive they are. Every single mom wants to be the mother that everyone is talking about."

One family rented out the Museum of Natural History for the night, hosting the cocktail hour in the African Mammal room and the main party in the Hall of Ocean Life, beneath the life-size model of a blue whale, where rapper Soldier Boy performed.

Premier partly planners Pat James and Glenn Jacinto -- who executed both Sandler girls' events -- wouldn't reveal the budget, but said the family first had to make a sizable donation to the museum in order to close down the public space.

Another family rented out the Frank Gehry-designed IAC building on the West Side Highway for two days at $40,000 a day, and flew in a giant band from Israel to keep the bodies bumping and grinding on the dance floor. The budget? Close to $500,000, said an insider.

Mothers say these Vegas-like affairs are appropriate -- and even commonplace -- in their circles.

"It's a fun night of dancing and happy and food and celebrating, and best friends being together," said a woman who recently rented out the Skyline Gallery Studios on 36th Street for her son's affair.

"It's a unique time in his life, and we wanted to create a unique memory for him," she said. "I would have been just as happy doing something smaller, but all of his best friends had parties this year, so it's just something we do. If you're around it all the time, you get used to it."

And what they get used to are nights more produced than an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Some, if not all, of the following are present to keep the children entertained: photo booths, casino tables, stilt walkers, fire-eaters, sword-swallowers, emcees, disc jockeys, bands, karaoke machines, break dancers, theatrical lighting and special effects.

One family even paid $30,000 to have Big Apple Circus performers do a high-wire and trapeze act, said Robert Kurlander, of DDM Entertainment.

Party-planner Eric Silvey said the pomp and expense is justified -- and all the dressing doesn't take away from the meaning of the day.

"For many people it's the most important day of their lives," he said. "I don't want anyone to thinks it's just a party and the religious aspect is thrown out the door."

Plus, he said, his clients can afford it.

"My feeling is that what anyone wants to spend on their party is their own business. If your worth is $500 million and you want to throw a party worth $500,000, you should be able to."

Rabbi Marcelo Bronstein, of Temple B'nai Jeshurun in Manhattan, said that while in general he didn't approve of such lavish bar mitzvahs, he has heard compelling arguments for them.

A temple-goer said to him once: "I am the child of a Holocaust survivor, and I want to celebrate this day. For my parents, such a thing would be unthinkable, so I want to celebrate for them. I want to go a little over the top."

"I could understand his reasoning," conceded the rabbi.

If these spoiled, selfish people would take 80% to 90%of the money they spend on these obscene parties and instead would give it to charity in honor of their son or daughter, imagine how much good they could do, how many hungry people could be fed, how much pain could be relieved.

It takes a special kind of selfishness and moral blindness to through parties like these. It is that selfishness and moral blindness their children internalize and will probably continue.

How sad.

[Hat Tip: WoolSilkCotton.]

Comments

[harold]

What matters is not how much they spend but how much they give to charity in relation to what they spend on such nonsense. So if they spent $10 million in charity and $1 million on a bat mitzvah then I have no problem with that, but if they gave $10 thousand to charity and $1 million for a bat mitzvah then I would say that his priorities are out of whack.

[Jon]

As a New Yorker, I can say the answer is YES.

[WoolSilkCotton]

It's all relative, and you can piss away your money any way you want because that's your right, whether on these bar/bas mitzvahs or on chassidishe weddings with 800 guests, but the insane extravagance really makes you wonder about a family's sense of values.

There's just something very wrong about it.

I'll bet the Sandler divorce cost at least as much as the Sandler bas mitzvahs.

[Successful Messiah]

"If these spoiled, selfish people would take 80% to 90%of the money they spend on these obscene parties and instead would give it to charity in honor of their son or daughter, imagine how much good they could do, how many hungry people could be fed, how much pain could be relieved."

Couldn't agree more. I would just add that if you were to take 80% to 90% of the time you waste in your mother's basement writing this blog and instead volunteer that time for a charitable cause, imagine how much good you could do.

[Yaacov]

We just spent close to 100k for our son's Bar Mitzvah and now regret it, because our Section 8 housing is now being reviewed and we may lose it. Apparently, a few guests requested that we be investigated about our Monsey home. Next time, we will think with our heads and not with our egos. We certainly learned a lesson.

[Racheli]

How about strengthening jewish day school education? Due to the economy, many parents can no longer afford the expensive tuition, and institutions have less money to offer as financial aid... Looks like 1 such redicilus party can pay for quite a few kids year tuition @12K/child...

[Neo-Conservaguy]

The children spend a year, if not more, studying Hebrew, learning prayers, and preparing to read from the Torah.

Sure they do. More likely, they learned to chant 3 psukim from the Torah for one aliyah in a Reform Temple, maybe the haftarah or a part of it. And, they still don't have the faintest idea what it means to be Jewish.

[harold]

So not fair, people have millions to spare and spend follishly and our Scotty has to live like this. There is no justice.

At least Scotty will be going on a much needed vacation in a little more than a week.

[WoolSilkCotton]

Harold, I'm surprised Shmarya didn't put your name over the Everlast label.

[Forty Eighter]

In my experience with these parties, the parents usually end up getting indicted a short time after the affair. The famous one that comes to mind is David Brooks. But there were others as well.

[Hometown Postville]

How can that mother say she has taught her children good values while spending so lavishly on a one day party? Having your Section 8 app re-evaluated after a 100k event? LOL! Let's see, their kids learn that it's ok to lie and cheat the gov't in the name of Orthodoxy, and it's more important to outdo the Stein's instead of be proud of the work you have done the past year. I suppose graduation parties are the equivalent of Bar Mitzvahs around here and I would be shocked to hear if anyone ever spent over $5000. But as far as I know, no one ever had a BAD time at any party. Good homemade food, friends, relatives,CD player, decorations and gifts... that's pretty much the norm around here...what more do you need?

[Anon]

This is what happens in the Reform community. How many heimishe bnei mitzvot parties are ever this ridiculous. Things like this are what happens when people follow the advice of Ayn Rand.

[Anon]

You think the orthodox don't do this?

Stop dreaming.

I remember the Bar Mitzvah at the Homawack where celebrities and rabbis were flown in from around the world.

Riders on horseback and trumpets announced each guest.

Mordechai Ben David and other Jewish stars sang.

The kid did a duet with each star.

And a week later, after spending an obscene amount on the Bar Mitzvah, the father was accused of having kiddie porn on his computer.

It was all hushed up.

[Jack]

Wait, let me get this straight. The kid studies for a year, and that means that they deserve a six-figure party? What the hell do I deserve for 4 years of college and 3 years of law school? A goddamn mansion and a fleet of luxury cars?

[Racheli]

No, you deserve to pay student loans, for the next 20 years or so - like most of us...

[shneerhere]

Absurd, obscene, sinful.

Families can't pay for Jewish day school tuition. Familes can't pay for Passover food. SO many causes, good causes, and these trite little mamzers (I'm talking about the parents, not the kids) are flashing their cash like ghetto pimps in a big pink Cadillac.

I have more respect for the pimps.

No wonder so many Jews used to be Communists. They must be aware of the enormous econominc disparities in their own community.

[Abracadabra]

We can each learn from this, on our own level, and stop the competition in whatever way we are competing with our friends/neighbors on whatever the current fad of the day is. (The latest car, furniture, electronic gadget, college degree, kids with honors, etc.) Each of us need to stop trying outdo everyone around us on whatever level we compete in regard to things of no lasting value. Our worth is in the value of what we DO not what we HAVE. If we DO valuable things we have value.

When they say "this person is worth $5-million" - it urks me because it is such a perversion of human worth. Human worth has nothing to do with money.

And if you think this doesn't go on in the Orthodox world, you are sadly mistaken. The Orthodox cannot stop competing with Bar/Bas Mitzvahs, Weddings, Houses, Clothing, Cars, etc. Orthodox people go into lifelong debt to pay for affairs they can't afford, all just to "keep up" with the Goldbergs. It's the biggest waste of resources. And shouldn't the Orthodox know better?!?!

Parties are made fun by the people who attend, not by how much you spend. A party can be just as fun for $500 as $500,000.

Spending money like that and claiming to have values is obscene.

[harold]

Where is our government when we need them? They are hungrily looking for ways to tax the poor middle class with every imaginable nuisance tax when here is a golden opportunity to introduce a "party tax" or an "event tax". Any event or affair that exceeds, say $50/pp, should be taxed at a sliding scale of, (I leave it to the experts to fill the scale in). If the event or party exceeds, $x/pp it triggers a mandatory IRS audit.

[Hometown Postville]

Good thought Harold,re "party tax", but how many parties would conveniently be reported at 49.99 pp? Better yet, here's an opportunity for undercover work- all they would have to do is crash the party as a shirtail relative, get the names of the guest list and match them with the list of those on public assistance. BUSTED!! start the audits and paybacks!

Abra- I like the way you put things!
"When they say "this person is worth $5-million" - it urks me because it is such a perversion of human worth."
Sports figures, actors, musicians.... Wish I could practice my hobby intensely for 4-5 years and retire in style!

"Parties are made fun by the people who attend, not by how much you spend. A party can be just as fun for $500 as $500,000."
I'd rather host 10 picnic potlucks than use up all my resources on one overdone extravaganza!

[Hometown Postville]

Harold: So not fair, people have millions to spare and spend follishly and our Scotty has to live like this. There is no justice.

Leave Scotty alone! He works hard to keep us informed and instigate our entertaining debates!

[chareidilady]

Everyone has a right to spend their money as they wish. The concept of "Kol Yisrael Areivim zeh lazeh"is something you cannot force - it is up to the individual to decide where, when and how much tzedaka to give. Do I condone such affairs? No, it is my choice to attend or not and that is where our responsibility lies, but don't kid yourself this is not just a concept of the rich Reform Jews this occurs among the frum, chasidish and all kinds who have (or sometimes do not have) expendable cash (from legal or illegal sources). There is a higher authority to mete out reward and punishment, it's not up to us.

[AnotherBT]

To be fair, we have absolutely no idea how much money this family gives in tzedaka. I would never have such a party-- but I don't see anything wrong with it provided that 1) they can afford it without cheating on their taxes and 2) they give at least an equal amount in tzedaka. I would expect that someone who throws around money like that probably also spends equally impressive amounts of money to be on the board of this or that charity.

There is nothing in halacha that says that you can't enjoy money that was honestly earned. Also, isn't it true that you aren't supposed to give more than 20% of what you earn in tzedaka? A family with a net worth of $500 million could easily afford such a party while still giving 20% tzedakah.

[Audrey the Liberal]

Is it wrong that I thought Ryan Sandler was a boy (with a Britney Spears themed party) before I read "bat mitzvah", and was extremely pleased with how comfortable "he" and "his" parents were with "his" sexual orientation?

[LL Cool Jew]

Ryan and her family opened a charity fund in honor of her Bat Mitzva

so here you have it

Ryan Sandler B'nai Tzedek Fund

http://savannah.ujcweb.org/page.aspx?id=179892

[Fed Up]

Meanwhile, numerous families are struggling to pay for Jewish day school tuition. Our community "leaders", instead of taking concrete steps to deal with the crisis, are reading stories like these and saying that families should merely stop wasting money on extravagant affairs. Well, I've got news for you: I earn in the six figures and still struggle to pay my son's tuition at a school that is considered a "bargain" in the day school scene. I'm certainly not planning his bar mitzva to be remotely like that in this story. What do you suppose I should do then? Send him to public school and hire a rabbi to tutor him after hours? My wife seems to think so, and every day I'm agreeing more with her.

[AnotherBT]

Fed up - What "concrete steps" do you propose as an alternative? Should we take money away from those who earn more than you do and give it to the schools? Of course, there are those who make less than you do who would argue that you should be able to live very comfortably on much less than your 6-figure salary.

Everything is relative. My bat mitzvah was a pot-luck affair served in the synagogue after services. I would assume that the bar mitzvah you're planning for your son will cost considerably more than what my parents paid for mine. Where exactly do you want to draw the line?

[Eliezer]

These bar mitzva parties are a disgusting travesty of Judaism, no matter which branch we are talking about. Unfortunately the idolatry of money has definitely overtaken the service of the Almighty.

[Marv]

it is possible to make a party within means, to make the day special and to be spiritual. Anyone who had a nice day and felt that right of passage, knows that day remains forever in your heart and mind, The pride of a parent seeing their son, up on the Bima and hearing those century old words come out, of his or her mouth. FOr conservadox jews as myself, its not the party. That is the thank you for the guests for coming. that is the thank you to my child to mark a moment in life. You dont need to do a theme and make a party for 100,000 to make a party. You don't need to feel this sense of competition. Anyone see Keeping up with the Steins???? Its about a great day in the life of a jewish child. And a celebration of love for that child. You can do a lot for what you wish to spend. Going to Israel, and paying for airline tickets to pray at a wall vs being with all who love you, well, i know what i feel