Holding A Hand To Save A Life

Should you help a child cross the street by holding his hand?

Holding a Hand to Save a Life
by Rabbi Mendel Weinbach, Rosh Yeshiva and Co-founder, Ohr Somayach

Question: I read your column titled "Lesson in the School of Life" for Parshat Vayigash in which you stated the right thing to do when seeing a child attempting to cross a street by himself is to take him by the hand and help him across a crosswalk. Here in the United Kingdom someone seen doing something like that could easily be arrested as a suspected child molester. What then is the right thing to do to save the child and yourself?

Answer: I must confess that I had Israel in mind when I made my suggestion because I am unaware of anyone getting into trouble here for helping a child cross the street. It is indeed unfortunate that child molesting is so prevalent in some countries that taking a child by the hand entails a personal risk.

The only solution I can suggest for avoiding this risk while saving a life is to either solicit the help of a lady to take the child by the hand or to merely walk next to the youngster and stand at the crosswalk until he is safely on the other side.

[Hat Tip: DK.]

Comments

[Yosef ben Matityahu]

shomer peta-eem hashem

[WoolSilkCotton]

Keep your hands off of other people's kids.

[Dr. Dave]

Hold one end of a handkerchief while the child holds the other end.

[JW]

In other countries? There is plenty o0f thios going on (sadly) in Israel as well.

[Ben]

The world is getting craizier by the day. Nowadays if one says "I love children" he is a suspect.

It is Ok to say "I hate children" of course.

How much worse it can possibly get?

[Miriam Tzipora]

It is most practical to simply walk next to the child. Even if nobody thought you were a child molester, a stranger grabbing my hand would scare me. Proximity would solve almost all of the safety problems, and as best I can tell, would satisfy pikuach nefesh.

Because I work in retail part time, I also recommend a similar action be taken when you see a child without a parent in a store. Just keep an eye on him, so he does not go somewhere dangerous, possibly with someone dangerous. Keep an eye out for a distraught mother, and maybe ask the child if that is his mommy. Or if you see a mother looking for her child, point her in the direction of the unsupervised little one. They'll appreciate it, and had the advantage of being non-invasive and therefore almost entirely free of liability.

[David Bar-Magen]

I confess to highly conflicted feelings on this matter.

On the one hand (ha ha), I am deeply irked by some aspects of the current supersensitivity of Western culture toward child molestation. I am the type of adult who is often described as "good with kids." I understand them, I can talk to them, and I seem to have some sort of something that allows them to trust me.

Often, a child will seize the hand of an adult that he or she sees as a protector, and it has been a frustrating thing to have to shake that little hand off and explain to the confused little child that "we can't hold hands."

It is also frustrating to receive dirty looks from parents when I smile at their children, as though they wonder how it's possible that anyone other than themselves could find their children cute.

So no, I certainly do not believe that there's anything remotely wrong with taking the hand of a child who needs you to cross the street with him/her.

On the other hand, caution must certainly be exercised as it pertains to extended periods of interaction with children. Children should not be taken aside privately by their teachers or principals into a secluded room. A "touchy" teacher should be watched carefully and his students regularly monitored. Public pools must be supervised, as well as the changing rooms nearby.

I once babysat for a neighborhood family as a teen, and in that family was a six-year old girl who had a massive crush on me. Once her younger siblings were asleep, she snuck downstairs, crawled into my lap and asked me if she was pretty.

Some overly sensitive people would have been gobsmacked at this point and completely unable to respond. I simply leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "Yes, I think you're beautiful. Let's get married tomorrow. Now go to bed."

She burst into giggles and ran back upstairs, fully aware that I was kidding and yet flattered by the attention. No harm done. And yet, it chilled me to think what could have been had the babysitter been a pervert.

The family trusted me and thought highly of me, but certainly parents must be careful about who is left in charge of their children.

Interaction within reason. Caution at all times. I think that covers it.

[Chicago Samson]

This is a creepy topic, I remember the time when rabbis could hug a boy at a Bar Mitzvah, but not anymore. Always keep the door open to your office when a woman or a child come in for study, or go to a glass-walled room.

Many years ago, a friend of mine who was the president of the Board of Rabbis in SF, once told me when he had an Orthodox pulpit in the city, a pretty lady once came in to see him in the office; she was wearing only a trench coat, and she took the coat off, and threw herself on the office table, and said, "Rabbi, I am yours!"

Fortunately, the rabbi was in a glassed walled office, but he could have gotten in a lot of trouble if he wasn't.

[mordecai]

I have represented many child molesters. However there are really many cases where some guy touches a child and voila a charge is made. One girl that I deposed told me that her mother had frequently told her never to let a man touch her. This was told to the girls constantly since she was 5 years old. So my client enters the home to install some equipment and says to the child who is 11: "You are cute." Then he pllays with her a bit and in the course of playing he touches her. SHe told her mother and the hysterical mother had my client arrested. He was charged with sexual battery on a child less than 12.

[Hometown Postville]

David Bar-Magen: You raise some interesting points. I work in a very small rural high school and am a nurturing sort of person(female) so to lend encouragement, I often put my hand on a student's shoulder or in the case of a recent student death, many were seeking hugs and emotional support. I feel good that most are comfortable enough with me to allow that. However, some students have a force field around them that says "Stay away from me." They have obviously been hurt or abused in some way and some admit they don't trust anyone. These are the kids who could easily twist your intentions and get you fired, so you learn quickly who they are. It's sad because they probably need a healing touch the most. Knowing that touch can be so easily misinterpreted, adults working with teens should instead, strive to be approachable,since they are so often dealing with emotions and situations they think are unique to them. They need to know you are there to listen and not judge them. Even the hardest to reach kids respond to compliments. Hair, jewelry, clothes, good deed, anything that comes to mind. Those simple comments pay off big when that introverted student seeks you out to share an accomplishment that none of his tough peers would applaud. Sometimes students return compliments; you can sense when it's out of character for them, so it's that much greater of a step forward. I feel that if they are comfortable chatting about small stuff they may be more likely to seek me out to discuss serious things warranting adult intervention.