Top 13 Yochanan Lavie Parodies

Picked by the master himself…

Top 13 Yochanan Lavie Parodies (in no particular order)

1. “The Rubashkin Hillbillies"
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Now listen to the story 
'bout a man named Moishe
The poor kollel bochur
Barely kept his family kosher
And then one day 
While he's davenin' & schucklin'
In a shackle and a hoist
Comes a cow from Rubashkin
(Spoken: Postville that is
Or South America
Throat hooks and chains.)
Now, the next thing you know,
Old Moish is eating trief
The K- A- J said the kashruth isn't safe
They said "k'halacha is the way it's gotta be!
And the way Rubashkin does it
Is suffak nevai-lee
(Spoken:
Nevailah that is.
Improperly slaughtered.
Announcer: It's the Rubashkin Hillbillies.
Fadeout: Banjo and klezmer music.
(Disclaimer: This is a humorous satire.)

2. Rebbe in the Sky (apologies to the REAL Norman Greenbaum)
When I'm indicted and they send me to jail
Gonna go to the place to get bail
When they lay me in my cell to sigh 
Goin to pray to the Rebbe in the sky
CHORUS: 
Goin to pray to the Rebbe in the sky 
(Rebbe in the sky) 
That's who I'm gonna call on when I lie 
(When I lie) 
When I lie and they send me to the clink
Let's hope they don't feed me Rubbishcan stink
Prepare your brief, you know it's a bust 
Maybe I'll go sell Cheesus
So you know, it's Cholov Yisrael
It's gonna give me zchut, to the Rebbe, when jail
(Rebbe in the sky)
Goin on up to the Rebbe in the sky 
In Cambria, Queens, he didn't die 
(Didn't die) 
When I'm tried and they send me to Leavenworth
I'd rather go to the place that's 770
Never been a sinner, I've never sinned 
I've got an illegal named Jesus [pronounced Hay-zeus]
So when I die, and my throat has a meat hook 
I'm gonna tell the Rebbe that "I'm not a crook!"
REPEAT CHORUS (x2)

3. "Little Black Jew," with apologies to William Blake
My Imma bore me in the Ethiopian wild,
And I am black, but O! my neshome is white.
White as an angel is the Ashkenazi child:
But I am black as if bereav'd of light.
The kess taught me underneath a tree
And sitting down before the heat of day.
He took me into his heart and kissed me,
And pointing to the east began to say.
Look on the rising sun: there God does live
in Jerusalem, which Olmert wants to give away.
And Ashkenazim and Sephardim and Teimanim and men daven
Scharit in morning mincha in the noon day.
And we are put on earth a little space..
That we may learn to bear the "ol malchut shamayim."
And these black bodies and this sun-burnt face
Is but a vessel, and like a stream of "mayim."
For when our souls have learn'd the mitzvot to bear
The "kli" will vanish we shall hear his voice.
Saying: come out from the "kli" my love & care.
And round my golden mishkan like lambs rejoice.
Thus did the kess say and kissed me.
And thus I say to little Ashkenazi boy.
When I from black and he from white kli free,
And round the ohel of Yahweh like lambs we joy:
Ill shade him from the heat till he can bear,
To lean in joy upon Avenu B'Shamayim's knee.
And then I'll stand and stroke his silver hair,
And be like him and he will then love me.


4. "Jeer at them" with apologies to William Blake
And did the Rebbe's feet in recent time
Walk upon Iowa's fields of green?
And were the illegal Mexicanos
On Iowa's pleasant pastures screened?
And did the ICE helicoptors
Hover over our well-paid shills?
And was Crown Heights builded here
Among these dark Satanic mills?
Bring me my public relations flack!
Bring me my homeless men of Texas!
Bring me my army of wetbacks!
Lie to my critics that afflict us!
I will not cease from PR fights,
I will stick it to the goyishe "Man"
Till we have built Crown Heights
In Iowa's green and pleasant land.


5. It's Still Kosher Music to Me (apologies to Billy Joel, a Yid):
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
"Can't you tell that your hat's not black?"
Maybe I should buy some old white shirts?
"Well, the rabbi is a musical hack.
Where have you been hidin' out lately, boychick?
You can't dress yeshivish if you live in a cellblock."
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the old sound
Funny, but it's still "kosher music" to me
[Lipa:]
What's the matter with the song I'm singing?
"Can't you tell that it's too in style?"
Should I get a set of boy eunuch singers?
"Are you gonna cruise, and go on trial?
Nowadays you can't be too much a moser
If a rabbi does it, it has to be kosher."
Old dreck, corny dreck, even if it's old junk
It's still "kosher music" to me
Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in Failed Messiah
'Cause it's always been the same old scene.
There's a new band in town
But you can't get the sound 'cause the rabbi is very mean
He likes his music "clean"
How about a song by Shlomo Carlebach
And a CD by Matisyahu?
"You could really be an api-chorus baby
If you let the Beit Din catch you.
Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers,
Those boys' choirs are a just a bunch of squeakers."
Mizrachi, Teimani, Israeli, non-Ashkenazi
It's still treif music to thee
What's the matter with the shul I'm praying?
"Don't you know that they're chazan's too jazzy?"
Should I try to find a Litvish minyan?
"If you do, then you daven too snazzy.
Don't you know about the halacha, honey?
You get away with murder if you give a lot of money."
It's the devekus, clam-bake-us, don't shake us, please awake us,
It's still "kosher music" to me
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still treif music to thee.

6. Loosing My Appetite (with apologies to REM)
The law is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not frum
The lengths that you will go to
The expiration date on your "dogs"
Oh no Shmarya said too much
We are fed up
That's me in the coroner [after eating Rubbishcan]
That's rubbishcan in the spotlight
Abusing my religion
Trying to keep kosher with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
The OU hasn't said enough
I thought that I heard you cheating I thought that I heard ICE sting
I think I thought I heard you schrei ["gevalt!"]
Every Shiksa
And every Gentile employee
Making no confessions
Trying to keep their jobs
Like some hurt lost and blinded fools
Oh no they've said too much
They've been set up
Consider this
The kosher crime of the century
Consider this
The throat hook that brought the cow
To its knees failed
What if all these nevailot
Come flailing around
Now I've parodied too much
I thought that I heard you davening
I thought that I smelled meat stink
I think I'll call the FBI
But that was just a nevuoah
Justice is just a dream

7. "Slumming in America" apologies to Neil Diamond, the Jewish Elvis.
Czar
We've escaped from the Czar
We have set up an abattoir
With a rabbincial shtar
Free
We want labor to be free
We huddle the homeless
A fair paycheck is their dream
Off the boat and on the Plains [of Iowa]
We're slumming in America
Never looking at Federal regs
We're scamming in America
Brooklyn, it don't seem so far away
Oh, we're rebuilding it today
In the town of Postville
Where we act the most vile
Illegals, to a new and a dangerous job
They've "made their beds," those dirty slobs
Freedom's light dimming out
When ICE chases them out
From everywhere around the oilam
They're imported to America
The "treife medina" is just a golem
'Cause there's no king in "Amaleka"
Got a dream to take market share
We're monopolizing America
That senorita's got a nice pair
I am "coming" in America
Illegals coming to America
Child labor in America
Animal cruelty in America
Price fixing in America
Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey, Oy vey
My profits 'tis of thee
Today
Sweet land of larceny
Today
In thee I scam
Today
In thee I scam
Today

8. Carry on My Wayward Bochur (with apologies to Kansas)
{Refrain)
Carry on my wayward bochur
There'll be peace when they jail the macher
Lay your weary keppie to rest
Don't you schrei gevalt.
Once I was a victim of molestation
Kolko said it was better than masturbation
His hand was going ever lower
But it went to too low
Through my tears I could not see the madman
Though my rebbe said he was a talmid chachum
I hear the voices when I'm davening
I can hear them say
{Refrain)
Masquerading like a big Purim schpiel
This charade of justice is just a deal
And if I claim to have Daas Torah, well
It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of Shmirat ha Lashon
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I try to bring the creep to justice
But I hear the voices say
{Refrain
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the squalor
Though we don't like Kolko's plea deal
But surely Gan Eden waits for you
Carry on my wayward bochur
There'll be peace when they jail the macher
Lay your weary keppie to rest
Don't you schrei gevalt.

9. Paulan Girls (with apologies to the Beach Boys);
Well Mexican girls are hip 
I really dig those sombreros they wear 
And the Guatalamalan girls with the way they schect 
They knock cows out when they work here
The underage illegals really make rabbis feel alright 
And the Somali girls with the way they kiss 
They keep the managers warm at night
I wish they all could be Paulan
I wish they all could be Paulan
I wish they all could be Paulan
girls
The Paulans have US passports
And the girls know how to kill
I dig a thick fur parker on Micronesian
Dolls by a snow drift in Postville
I been all around this great big world 
And I've exploited all kinds of girls 
Yeah, but I couldn't wait to get them back in the states 
Back to the treifest shop in the world
I wish they all could be Paulan
I wish they all could be Paulan
I wish they all could be Paulan
girls...

10. Hey Juda! (With apologies to the Beatles):
Hey, Juda, don't take it bad
Take a sad excuse and make it bitter
Remember to change your IP address
Don't ever confess- to fake it better
Hey, Juda, don't be afraid
To blame an "intern" who works in summer
The minute you associate with Rubbishcan
Then you began to make it dumber.
And when Shmarya makes you feel the pain, hey, Juda, refrain
Don't carry the blame upon your kishkes
Well don't you know that it's a simpleton who plays Bart Simpson
By blaming his faults upon a shiska
Hey, Juda! Don't let the client down
You have found 5W, now go and get paid
Remember, not to let it into your conscience
Then you can start to fake it stupidly.
So let it out and let it in, hey, Juda, begin
You're waiting for some crook to break laws with
And don't you know on the Lower East Side, hey, Juda,
be snide, the bialy you need is on between your shoulders 

Hey, Juda, don't take it bad
Make a sob story and make it better
Remember to spell the rabbi's name right 
Then you can fight, to make the world worser.
Oy, oy, etc. Hey Juda! (fade out).

10. Rubbishcan Rock (apologies Elvis):
The warden threw a party in the Postville jail.
The prison band was there and the rabbis began to wail.
The band was playing "evil music" after the Feds sting.
You shouldv'e heard those Rubbishcan jailbirds sing.
Let's hock, every tchinek, let's hock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
Was dancin' that Rubbishcan stopped.
Child abusers in prison never have sex alone,
A Little Jew was blowin' on the slide shofar bone.
The yeshiva boy from Crown Heights went crash, boom, bang,
The whole rhythm section was the Getzel gang. 
Let's tantz, everybody, let's tantz.
Everybody in the whole Failed Messiah
Was dancin' to the Rubbishcan fire sale.
Number 770 said to number three:
You're the cutest jailbitch I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your chevrusa,
Come on and do the jailhouse Rubbishcan rooster.
Let's mock, everybody, let's mock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
Was dancin' that Rubbishcan get "chopped."
The illegal was a sittin' on a block of stone
In "dorm room" with no paycheck weepin' all alone.
Nevel said, "Hoy, amigo, this is not New Square.
If you can't find a matress use a wooden chair."
Lets rock, everybody, lets rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
Was dancin to the jailed Rubbish rock.
Shifty Shochet said to Bugsy [Siegel], for Rebbe's sake,
No ones lookin', now's our chance to make a break.
Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, nu, nu,
I wanna stick around a while and disgrace the Jews.
Let's schecht, everybody, let's schecht.
Everybody in the whole Rubbish wreck
Was tryin' to do the jailhouse schecht.

11. Dust in the Silo (with apologies to Kansas)
I close my eyes, only for the OSHA, and the inspector's gone
All my grain, pass before my eyes, in religiousity
Dust in the silo, all they are is dust in the silo.
Same old shtick, just a drop of water and it will chometz be,
All our matzah, crumbles to the ground, though we can store it free
Dust in the wind, all the condo will be dust in the wind
[Nu] Don't hock a tchinek, nothing lasts forever if it's on the sly
It explodes away, and all Brach's money will another kavod buy.
Dust in the silo, the condo will be dust in the wind
When it blows up, W'burg hipsters will be dust in the wind.

12. The Cambria Heights Tales (Prologue):
Apologies; Geoffrey Chaucer
Whan that Nisan with his shoures soote 
The droghte of Adar hath perced to the roote, 
And bathed every grain in swich licour 
Of which Chometz engendred is the flour; 
Whan the baker eek with his sweete breeth 
Inspired hath in every shmurah bakery,
Tendre matzah, at the 18 minutes
Hath blood of the ram on the doorposts
yronne, 
And smale kinderlach maken melodye, 
That slepen al the nyght with open ye (so priketh hem the Hagaddah in hir corages); 
Thanne longen Jews to goon on pilgrimages, 
And yidden for to seken straunge strondes, 
To ferne keverim, kowthe in sondry londes; 
And specially from every shires ende Of Breukelen to Cambria Heights they wende, 
The hooly blisful Rebbe for to seke, That hem hath holpen whan that they were seeke.

13. The Agri-vation.

Comments

[Gary]

Carry on Wayward Bochur is the best.

[Jake]

Yashar Kochecha!

Yochanan for President!

[steve]

YL,

I'd like to see a parody of Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth", describing the ICE raid. Instead of "what a field day for the heat", it would be "what a field day for the ICE".

[Rachel Batya]

My vote is for the Cambria Heights tales, hands down, because only Yochanan could make Chaucer Jewish *and* funny--and in Middle English. Amazing. It almost makes me thankful for all the hours I had to spend on Chaucer in graduate school.

[steve]

"Rebbe in the Sky" and "It's Still Kosher Music to me". "Send in the Trolls" is an honorable mention.

[Curious Postville Native]

Yochanan:

I'm waiting for your rendition to the lyrics of Simon & Garfunkel's hit--"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover".

[Dave]

Yochanan, excellent !

[emes]

yochanan enjoy your burn in hell

[Archie Bunker]

The Beverly Hillbillies parody should include apologies to writer Paul Henning and performers Flatt and Scruggs. (It actually made it to 44 on the charts in 1962 and was a number 1 country hit.)

[Alice]

"Loosing My Appetite (with apologies to REM)" is definitely my favorite.

[Ichabod Chrain]

Well I have one complaint. Let's not slander Elvis.

When you said Neil Diamond is the Jewish Elvis, it kind of ruined the whole thing for me. I couldn't go any further without feeling a deep and intense sense of injustice.

Neil Diamond is not the Jewish Elvis. Never was. Never will be. Not even in the same ball park. Neil Diamond can't sing. Elvis could sing. Neil Diamond is strictly amateur hour with a clever sound engineer. Elvis (at his best) was very, very good.

Also you can't parody a Neil Diamond song because they already are parodies.

[shmuel]

"Don't you know about the halacha, honey?


You get away with murder if you give a lot of money." Truer words were never written.

Yochanan, they were all excellent. Loved the Kansas songs, "Hey Juda," Chaucer. We have a talent here, people!

[yidandahalf]

Superb, long wait for this. YL, don't you think Motown has alot of potential for this genre? I am serious.

[Yochanan Lavie]

yochanan enjoy your burn in hell

Posted by: emes | October 16, 2008 at 11:26 PM

See ya there, buddy!

To all else, a heartfelt thanks. I'll try to work on the requests, but I'm very busy these days.

[Archie Bunker]

I wonder what kind of people live in DC that there are so many criminals. Hmmm ....

And why do I have a hunch they are all voting for Barack Osama?

http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=2e15cda37bd4d51ed801b67c52cec90c

3,000 Ex-Offenders Meet Voter Registration Deadline in Nation’s Capital

The Washington Informer, News Report, Joseph Young, Posted: Oct 16, 2008

District of Columbia residents flooded the D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics in a last minute effort to register to vote in the upcoming presidential election, including people who had previously been incarcerated for felony convictions.

Five hundred voter registration applications of ex-offenders were hand- carried into the office of the Board of Elections by Peaceoholics founder Ronald “Mo” Moten, who spearheaded the drive to get ex-offenders registered to vote.

“Our voices will be heard from this day on,’” said Moten who is an ex-offender.

There are more than 60,000 ex-offenders living in the District, according to Moten. Twenty-five hundred are returned to the District each year from federal prisons, and 19,000 are in and out of the DC Jail each year.

The ultimate goal of the Peaceoholics is to register the more than 60,000 ex-offenders residing in the District registered to vote within the next two years.

“Once we do that nobody can stop our agenda, which is to make sure we are treated as citizens,” Moten said. “We want to have an equal playing field like everyone else.”

Many ex-offenders who live in the District are unaware that they can vote. According to Dan Murphy, spokesperson for the D.C. Board of Elections and Ethics, ex-offenders have a legal right to vote in the District, even if they have been previously incarcerated for a felony or under court supervision. A person awaiting trial while in jail also has a right to vote by absentee ballot as well as a person who was convicted on misdemeanor charges.

Forty-eight states, and the District, prohibit inmates from voting while incarcerated for a felony offense, according to the Sentencing Project, an advocacy group for reform in sentencing laws.

According to the Sentencing Project, felony disenfranchisement has a disproportionate impact on African American men.

It estimates that 1.4 million African- American men, or 13 percent, are disenfranchised, a rate seven times the national average. Given current rates of incarceration, said the Sentencing Project, three in 10 of the next generation of Black men can expect to be disenfranchised at some point in their lifetime. In states that disenfranchise ex-offenders, as many as 40 percent of Black men may permanently lose their right to vote.

[Yochanan Lavie]

The Baruch Lanner song: 50 Ways to leave your bochur (with apologies to Paul Simon):

The problem is all inside your keppie, he said to me
The answer is easy if you take it halachicly
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be frei
There must be fifty ways to leave your bochur

He said it's really not my habit to be a moser
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or be unkosher
So I repeat myself, at the risk of not being yosher
There must be fifty ways to leave your bochur, fifty ways to leave your bochur
Chorus:
Just slip out the back, Yaakov, make a new bracha, Yehuda
Don't need to be a Goy, boychick, just listen to me
Hop on the subway, Shlomo, don't need to be labeled a "homo"
Just drop off the key, Avi, and get yourself frei
(repeats 2x)

He said it grieves me so to see you in the jail
I wish there was something I could do to make you get some bail
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways

He said, "why don't we both just sleep on it," in Yiddish
And I believe, before Schacharis you'll begin to see the chiddush
And then he kissed me and I realized he was very late for kiddush
There must be fifty ways to leave your bochur, fifty ways to leave your bochur

chorus

[maven]

I think the word leave needs to be changed to seduce and in the phrase slip out the back the word in would be more correct. Then it could be the Sobol, Lanner, Mondrowitz, etc song. (also, Lanner was more into girls, no? perhaps changing bochur to talmid would sum it all for all these criminals)

[Curious Postville Native]

Thanks Yochanan! I knew I'd enjoy your spin on Simon's music.

[Rachel Batya]

--I wonder what kind of people live in DC that there are so many criminals. Hmmm ....

And why do I have a hunch they are all voting for Barack Osama?--

Just checking to see whether I'm listening Archie? Yes, I noticed the implicit racism here. Don't even THINK about responding that you weren't talking about African Americans. And have a nice day.

[Archie Bunker]

Well Rachel, I don't know for sure as I haven't checked US Census records on DC's population but I did suspect that these convicted felons who presumably will be voting for "that one" are of the same ethnicity.

[Yochanan Lavie]

Maven: You are correct about Lanner, but he was recently in Failed Messiah so he's on my mind. He used to knee boys in the balls quite alot (I witnessed it), so maybe his abuse of girls was overcompensating. Or maybe, as Rachel pointed out on another thread, it's all about power and domination.

[Yochanan Lavie]

CPN: Glad to oblige. If you need a "glossary" let me know.

[maven]

Yochanan:

I saw that as well, I think we were in NCSY at the same time, I remember all that very well, and the Siegel episode. And after Lanner I personally came across the serial sodomizer Sobel, and then Uzi Meshullam, which is why I participate on these blogs. Shmarya can pass my email on to you privately and we can confirm if we've met.

And yes, it is about seduction and power in some of the cases (Lanner, Gafni); those can be parodied in songs, but the predatory pedophilia of the Sobol and Mondrowitz form comes from somewhere darker, deeper, and fundamentally more pathological and the response there needs to be criminal and medical...

[steve]

I think someone like Sobel should be used to further explore the mind of a serial child rapist, a la Hannibel Lechter in "Silence of the Lambs". Sobel claims that he's done teshuva. Let's see him cooperate in helping to understand this disease scientifically.

[Neil Diamond is Jewish Elvis!]

Neil Diamond is not the Jewish Elvis. Never was. Never will be.

Says the lone voice, wispering in the windstorm.

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4ADBF_enUS259US259&q=%22neil+diamond%22+%22jewish+elvis%22

(If if makes you feel any better, there is *sketchy* evidence that Elvis's mother's mother *might* have been Jewish . . . so it could be that Elvis himself was the Jewish Elvis. Until Moshiach straightens it out, there's Neil.)

[alternative childcare]

There are many former Neve Yehoshua grads who would be willing to help with scientific experiments on Sobel...

[Yochanan Lavie]

Maven: No problem. I would welcome a conversation with you. Gotta go, sundown. Shabbat shalom.

Shmarya: Thanks again for posting this.

[Carol-Ann]

If or when Shmarya publishes a book about his famous blog, there should be a chapter devoted to musical parodies.

YL,
You are becoming a celebrity like Shmarya.

[Yochanan Lavie]

Thanks, Carol-Ann.

[Curious Postville Native]

Yochanan:

I had help from a friend, so I won't need a glossary. Thank you for the offer.

Yochanan, if Agriprocessors should close, I'll be anxiously awaiting your clever spin on Elton John's - "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".

[--]

the 13th parody song did not get printed out.

[Yochanan Lavie]

October 21; Click on the link. It's not a song; it's my Rubashkin ad parody.

[mordecai]

Yochanan:

You are without a doubtthe Irving Berlin if Failed Messiah. I always get a good laugh from your parodies.